A Soon-to-Be-Former ABD's Blog

2002-02-15T10:07:00.000-05:00

SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL OF THE FISH

Regular readers will recall that one month ago, I challenged myself to come up with a reason for having this blog, or to call it quits. Well folks, the month has passed and I haven't come up with squat.

I have done a lot thinking though, and I've learned a fair amount about myself. I realize that I need an outlet like this, but that therapy or a greater willingness to communicate with OBO (whose name is really "Jay," I might add) is probably more appropriate than a blog. Coming to terms with the kinds of anxieties and issues that I have in a blog like this is not necessarily inappropriate, but it strikes me as self-indulgent and at its very best incredibly boring reading for those of you who happen to stumble across it.

I started this blog nine months ago as a way to chart my progress on my dissertation and to vent my frustrations about that effort. As such, it was incredibly successful. You have no idea how many times I was compelled to write simply so that I could update my word and page counts. I blush with pride when I read even the most pathetic entries from last summer and fall. To me, this part of the blog is an incredible read, because it reminds me that I actually can overcome my self-doubt.

However, I can't say that for the last month or two of this blog. Yes, I will always tear up reading about Murphy's death, and I'll always be able to remember my New Year's Resolutions simply because they are on-line for all of the world to read. But these things do not a blog make, not even one intended for exactly one person.

I'm saddened to learn that I am in good company when it comes to this decision. Actually, I don't really count myself in Tin Man's company, but I completely understand his decision. As I put it in an e-mail to him, blogs are kind of like therapy: When they've got a purpose to serve, they're invaluable, but once they've served that purpose, you eventually have to call it quits and get on with your life.

I have great respect for the blogging "community" and the whole idea of blogging. It's yet another way for people to connect with each other, even if those connections are based on little else than a lack of fear of HTML. I'm all for people making connections, and I suspect that I will always include a bit of blog reading in my daily routine.

I'm not planning to delete or otherwise remove this blog from blogspot, so as long as they're willing to host it, it will be here. I'll print a copy (how 20th Century is that?!) for my own records Of course, I don't expect anyone to read it, but if some ABD-in-need comes across it and is inspired to start their own blog and finish their languishing dissertation work...well, that would be great! If that's you, feel free to drop me a note if you'd like a more candid discussion of what I've been through and what I was able to do.

If however, this blog gets lost in the deluge of digital chaos we call the Internet, I won't be offended or hurt or feel like it was a total waste of time. My completed dissertation is proof that it wasn't. But it's time to move on.

Peace.

2002-02-11T17:15:00.000-05:00

MY FINAL WEEK?

Well folks, we're down to the final few days before the big "kill it or fix it" decision. So far, it's looking like "kill it" is going to prevail, although I suspect "let it languish on the vine" is probably how I'll actually handle the demise of this, the most unfabulous of blogs. Boring to the bitter end.

Just so that this isn't yet another post about how I have nothing to post, some news from the boring life of Mark:

* I shipped my revised dissertation back to the thesis editor on Friday. This may be it, folks! Then again, it may just be the first round of many.

* The 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City are actually happening, and what's more, the Opening Ceremony didn't suck! My OC party was pretty fun, too.

* I completed my first DHTML tutorial, and am now ready to get to work on my office's website. Yeah...right!

* Princess' visit is exactly half way over and we still haven't done one-quarter of the things we said that we were going to do while she was here. Figures.

B'deah, b'deah, b'deah....That's all folks!

Peace.

2002-02-07T17:01:00.000-05:00

WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE HEATHER?!

Sorry for the week of silence. I haven't really thought much about this blog, and haven't really had a lot to say.

Not that it hasn't been a busy week. I've been busy with my dissertation revisions. In fact, I think I'm done (!) and am planning to send my hopefully final draft off tomorrow or Monday. Princess has been here for a week, and we've been having fun. Work has been crazy...really. We're getting ready for a Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony party tomorrow night...much food and drink and many good friends. I've been swimming four times this week and am officially 1/10th of the way to my 150-mile goal for the year. In short, life is good, if a teensy bit hectic.

I've realized that, after five very chaotic and wearying years of life, starting with the break-up of my last long-term relationship (January 1997) and concluding right about now, I'm a very happy, well-adjusted person. I'm also pretty damned boring person. I like it that way, but it may mean that I don't have a lot of material for a blog.

I'm still not sure where this blog is going, or if it should simply go away. I'll leave it on life support for a little while longer, but my one-month deadline is coming up fast, and I have no intention of extending it.

I suspect it won't matter much.

Peace.

2002-02-01T10:46:00.000-05:00

MURPHY A., 6/19/1989 - 1/31/2002

We "put him down" last night. Very sad, but given how much his condition had deteriorated, very necessary.

I'm doing alright now, but I was a mess at the vet's office, even more so than I thought I would be. OBO was pretty bad off, too, and is taking the day off today. I'm sure he's going to need some time. We all will. Murphy was quite a dog.

I'm really not a "dog person," but I really was taken by Murphy. He was such a happy creature, and was a very good reminder that a good meal, a few tame adventures and a lot of love is all that one needs to lead a happy life.

I will miss him a great deal.

Peace.

2002-01-29T12:23:00.000-05:00

GIVE 'EM WHAT THEY WANT!

A good friend put it bluntly: No one wants to read a stranger whining about his mundane life. Okay, I paraphrased, and he wasn't talking about me, per se. Still, it does make me think.

That's not to say that there hasn't been a lot of whining going on. Frankly, I think the whole blogging community (if there is such a thing) has been stricken with whine-itis...myself included (in the whine-itis, that is...certainly not the blogging community).

I know that I've given myself until the 15th to figure this blog out, but I don't know that I'm going to take that long. I'm not going to do anything rash, but at a minimum, I'm probably going to change the status of this blog from public to private. Frankly, I need a place to whine, even now that my dissertation is (almost) done. I suppose I should have a diary somewhere, but then I guess I do have a diary somewhere. It's just that I keep trying to call it a blog, which it is apparently not.

I'm going to give it a couple of days, but don't be surprised if utmaninva.blogspot.com goes away. Not that anyone will notice...and that suits me just fine.

Peace.

2002-01-28T10:19:00.000-05:00

LOW...BUT HOLDING

It's Monday again, and no real good news to report. Murphy has stabilized, but he's still very sick and clearly not long for this world. OBO and I have to make arrangments for getting the car fixed this week. And our friend, the one whose father died, should be back in town today or tomorrow. Things will get better, just slowly...with the exception of Murphy, that is. With him, it's just a matter of time.

My web work was well-received, but only because the people in my office are so indifferent to the whole thing. It's ugly and it's very unsophisticated, yet they acted like it was the neatest thing they had ever seen, just so that I'd go away. I won't take credit for the visual design -- my boss did that -- and I don't feel bad about the lack of bells and whistles -- there's no reason to put much effort into the whole project if people don't/won't appreciate it.

One bit of noteworthy news: I heard back from the thesis editor, and boy-oh-boy do I have a lot of editing to do. I feel like a 10th Grader getting his term paper back. Most of it is pretty straightforward, but a lot of it is going to be a nightmare to implement. I'm glad I know the extent of what work remains, but I'm more than a little humbled and rather irritated by the whole process. At this point in my life, do I really need someone to tell me to use "numerous" instead of "a number of?"

One bright spot on the horizon: Princess arrives tomorrow for her nearly four-week visit. Much fun to be had and many projects to finish. I'm looking forward to her visit for many reasons, but one of them is that I know the time will fly and that by the time she leaves, the majority of February will be behind us and spring won't be that far off.

Maybe I'm making too much of the fact that it is winter, but I'm ready for flowers and sunshine.

Peace.

2002-01-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

IN THREES

Let's just hope the saying is true, because the third bit of really bad news was just delivered: My friend's father passed away last night. Add that to Murphy's terminal cancer and OBO car wreck, and you've got three. I'm not particularly superstitious, but I am ready for the pall that seems to be cast over my life to go away.

Other than the damage to the car, there appears to be little else bad that came of the car wreck. OBO seems to be alright, and Son seems completely unfazed. The situation with Murphy isn't quite so rosy, but it appears that he will live a little longer, but not much longer. We've start a regimen of steroids that should make him more comfortable, but it appears that we are going to forego chemotherapy. It's probably better that way.

My big hairy project seems to be on track for its intraoffice unveiling tomorrow. As projects go, it's really rather silly: a dozen or so web pages with absolutely no Javascripting or other fancy stuff. The hard part has been getting information out of people. I've no doubt that my work will get shredded by my colleagues, but I figure that's part of the process. Thank God for thick skin.

Despite the sad news, I'm in pretty good spirits. I've been swimming four times this week, bringing my year-to-date total to 10 miles...only 140+ more to go!

Keep your fingers crossed that the bad news ends with this latest and saddest turn of events.

Peace.

2002-01-23T11:31:00.000-05:00

BAD NEWS ABOUNDS

This is just not turning out to be a good week: A father of a friend and a sibiling-in-law of OBO's both in the hospital. Bad news about Murphy, OBO's 12-year old Laborador Retriever...very bad news. OBO and Son in a car wreck this morning (nothing too serious, but only because they were driving a Mercedes).

Yuck.

After posting yesterday, I realized that part of my funk was due to the imminent bad news about Murphy. He's been out of sorts for the past couple of weeks, and a trip to the vet confirmed that something was wrong. He ran tests, and the very bad news came in last evening: Murphy has lymphoma and will probably only live another month or so. This is crushingly bad news for OBO, who has had Murphy since New Year's Day 1990 -- through two cross-continental moves, a marriage and a divorce, the birth and first six years of Son's life, and four years of me. We have a very rough month ahead of us.

And then a car wreck! As I said, OBO and Son are alright. It's just scary, and like Murphy's situation, a constant reminder that life is not a safe sport with a guaranteed happy ending. The car (an '88 300TE) should be okay, but apparently the Camry that hit it didn't fare so well. They're expensive, but at times like this, I doubt I'll ever own another car that isn't a Mercedes.

I just want to go home and go to bed and sleep this vague but bad dream away.

Peace.

2002-01-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

IS THAT ALL THERE IS?

That headline works on so many levels. Of course, it is primarily intended to note the passing of Peggy Lee. I find it somewhat ironic that two consecutive posts of mine would mention her, but that's how life is. So let's break out the booze and have a ball.

Peggy's passing notwithstanding, life seems really blah right now. My big project is blah. My exercise routine is blah. My three-day weekend was blah. My love life even feels blah. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised...it is, after all, late January, a time when things are expected to be blah.

I wouldn't characterize my mood as depressed, per se, just uninspired.

Let's just hope for an early spring.

Peace.

2002-01-20T17:41:00.000-05:00

UPDATE FROM BIG HAIRY PROJECTLAND

For the first time in a very long time, I'm working on the weekend, althought I've managed to figure out how to bring work home, so at least I'm not in the office. It's actually kind of nice. I know that sounds crazy, but I rather like having a bit of work to do on the weekend. I guess it makes me feel important.

The project that I'm working on really isn't all that hairy. It's rather low key and somewhat boring, but that's probably not a bad way to break back into the world of 40+ hour work weeks. On Friday, I got a bit of a reprieve, and my project isn't due until next Friday (as opposed to tomorrow, which is a state holiday). So instead of panicking, I get to take it a bit easier (as in "I don't care if it takes me all day -- I'm going to keep re-doing it until that GIF is exactly 50 pixels high!!). That, and a fair amount of laundry and a trip to the record store that netted me a fab George Shearing/Peggy Lee CD and the Ultra.Chilled mix and a chance to hear the new Air CD, which I absolutely loved and would have bought if they hadn't been sold out.

As you can tell, I'm suffering. I really do have to work. I promise.

Peace.

2002-01-17T14:30:00.000-05:00

CAREER THOUGHTS

I just got back from lunch with a former co-worker. While I enjoyed seeing her, I'm feeling rather down after our conversation. Let's just say that I'm glad that I got out of my former job when I did. I'm coming up on my one-year anniversary in my current position, and while I might question the appropriateness of this position (both in terms of how well my skills fit the position and how well the opportunities the position offers fit my interests), I don't question my decision to leave my last job. I'm amazed at how much happier and better off I am.

Of course, both my lunch with my former co-worker and my one-year anniversary give me a good excuse to reflect on my current job and my career aspirations. Given that one of my New Year's resolutions has to do with making more of this job, I suppose it isn't bad to share some of those reflections here. This might qualify as a boring post, but what the hell.

Don't get me wrong: I like my current job. It pays well, give me a great deal of flexibility and an opportunity to work in a setting that I very much like. I don't feel like I'm making the world any better, but I'm certainly not compromising my values, either. I can't complain, yet I would say that the part of my life that concerns me most now that my dissertation is done is my job, or more appropriately, my career.

As you've probably guessed, my last job was a really bad fit. It, too, paid fairly well, and afforded me a lot of flexibility, and while I was there, I really did feel like I was making the world a better place. I've come to realize that I was somewhat deluded, but however small, I do think that I made a difference. I just realized that I don't do well in a political environment. Embattled and scandal-ridden state agencies are definitely political, and working for one taught me that no matter how hard you work, and no matter how good you are (or aren't) at your job, your efforts are meaningless is the wrong person is elected or appointed to office, or if the issue du jour changes in a way that disfavors your little slice of the public good.

So, now I'm working in a cushy job at a research university. It's too cushy, but that was nice when I was writing my dissertation. I really don't feel like I'm earning my keep, which is a problem during a recession (and when the aforementioned state agency is looking for budgetary fat). I have lots of opportunities to learn, but I'm not sure that they are things that I want to learn. Basically, I feel like an overpaid technical support guy who sees his career development in terms of what web page design software he gets to learn.

That's a gross oversimplification, but it helps me make my point: I really don't know what I want to do with my career, but I know that it is more than having a cushy and well-paying job. In fact, I'd happility take on a lot more stress, and I'd even be willing to take a pay cut if it meant being in a position where I felt I was doing good work and making a difference.

Of course, the challenge is figuring out what such a position would be. I also have the added pressure of figuring out how to make my doctor's degree make sense. Do I teach (definitely more stress, less pay, and an opportunity to make more of a difference). Do I want another job in higher education? Do I want to leave higher ed entirely? Why again is it that I worked so hard to get a doctorate?

This is perilously close to whining...boring whining at that. I can't complain, and I'm going to try very hard not to obsess on the subject, but I'm pretty sure that it is going to be my "new thing" to worry about.

Perhaps what I need to worry about is why I need to worry about anything at all.

Peace.

2002-01-16T16:59:00.000-05:00

NON-BORING FACTS ABOUT MARK

1. I swam miles 4 and 5 of my workout today. Actually, I swam over 2 1/2 miles, which is quite a lot for me. On a related note: I'm beginning to notice the old, svelte me emerging from beneath the previously thick layer of Parisian food and weeks of neglect.

2. I'm not wearing any underwear today. ;-)

Peace.

2002-01-16T09:47:00.000-05:00

EXISTENTIAL BLOGGER ANGST

Talk about yer cosmic convergences. Not only did I get an e-mail from Chun-shek, giving me some good-natured grief for not going "big boy" with my blog (which means that exactly one person is actually reading this blog), but The Tin Man posts a very good anniversary post detailing how and why did the same thing. Yikes! And not only that, but his post also suggests that I might want to let my linkees (all five of them) know that I've included them on my page. Does this mean that I actually have to e-mail the famous jonno?!

If you know me at all, you'll know that I'm only being half-serious. I'm really more concerned about having too little to write about to justify a blog. I certainly have no problem getting domain name, or even learning how to write a top notch web page. I just don't know if I can actually justify it given my somewhat meme-phobic approach to blogging and my "got up, swam, went to work, came home, had a uneventful evening, and maybe even had some great sex that I won't write about in this setting" life.

So, this is my challenge to myself. I'm giving myself one month to come up with an approach to blogging that justifies doing it. If I do, then I'll do the "big boy" thing and get a domain name and design my own template and all that stuff. I'll even go so far as to introduce myself to a few more of my favorite bloggers and maybe even get linked on their page.

Let me just say that I have no intention of being the next jonno. Nor do I intend to write the kind of tell-all diary that Justin writes. To be honest, I don't know what my intention is, but I'm giving myself a month to figure it out, or I'm packing things up.

Wish me luck.

Peace.

2002-01-14T16:59:00.000-05:00

NO WORDS ABOUT SEX, BUT

Omigod, some honest to goodness good news...and it's even dissertation-related!!

I finally heard back on my "final" dissertation, and it really is close to final! Neither my committee chair nor the department chair wanted anything changed, and both have signed off on it! If I weren't trying to graduate from the University of Bureaucracy, I'd literally be done now. Unfortunately, I'm not quite done yet, but I'm within spitting distance. :-)

The next step is to get the Thesis Editor to sign off on it. Of course, I've already got a copy in the mail to her. If all goes well, I should hear back from her next week, and if all goes really well, there will only be a few trivial changes that need to be made. Assuming that there are any changes -- an extremely safe assumption, I might add -- I'll have to send yet another version to her, but if that one checks out, then my dissertation really will be final, and I can print up three copies on extremely expensive bond and ship the whole mess off to the Dean, who, upon affixing his signature to one of those copies, officially makes me Dr. Mark Hampton.

This is good news indeed. The only changes that will need to be made are typographic and layout changes. No more analyses or more extensive reviews of the literature. No revisions to content whatsoever. A period or a comma, maybe a font change or a rotated table, but I really am done with the hard stuff. I am delighted.

Of course, I feel super silly about my last post, but I posted it because I knew how silly I was being. After posting, OBO and I had a very nice, relaxing dinner, got to bed reasonably early, and...well, I said that I wasn't going to write about sex, but let's just say that we experienced some connubial fireworks that made me feel especially silly about my earlier mood, and extremely happy to be in such a great life. If I ever get like that again, will someone please tell me to go get fucked?!

Oh yeah...the big hairy project that I so wanted? Well, it's here, and I am under the proverbial gun.

Happy days are here again!

Peace.

2002-01-13T19:06:00.000-05:00

BIG WHINY BABY

God, I'm bored. I think I've hit rock bottom. The most exciting thing I've done today is laundry, and I had to pace myself while doing it so that I would have enough to get me through the evening. I am easily the most boring homosexual man in existence.

We did the movie yesterday, and that was fun, but other than that, it's been pretty slow. The pool is still on Christmas break hours, so I couldn't even get in a swim. I would have gone in to work, but I had promised a friend that I'd be around today to help him with some digital pictures. He ended up coming by later than he'd planned, so I ended up spending a fair amount of the day waiting for him.

To be entirely fair, I did have a rather nice evening last night. After dinner, a friend of ours stopped by and we ended up splitting a bottle of wine and talking about sex. Unfortunately, it was pretty much the same stuff I had planned to write here, and I'm kind of sick of talking about my views on the subject, so I didn't feel like writing on it earlier today as I had planned. But it was nice talking to someone.

Come to think of it, Friday night was pretty nice, too. OBO and I had dinner with a couple of friends at a Thai restaurant. Very spur of the moment and quite nice. Very mellow, too, but now that I think about it, it was a little better than laundry.

I don't know what I want...some alone time with OBO? A big hairy project that will occupy my time? Have a whole bunch of friends over for a drunken brawl? The truth is, of the three, I suspect the big hairy project comes closest. I have no raison d'être right now...no reason to celebrate a job well done, or bemoan a frustrating lack of progress. I don't feel like I'm going to be any better tomorrow than I am today. Fatter perhaps.

I was afraid of this. Let's just hope this is the worst that it gets.

Peace.

2002-01-11T11:55:00.000-05:00

A NEW LOOK!

Not a major overhaul, but I figure I can at least try out a new template -- one that's a little easier to read, no less. It's sort of like a haircut: Cheap, easy and does wonders for one's attitude.

Again, nothing of interest to report. I swam mile 2 of 150+ yesterday, but passed on working out this morning. Instead, I went to what will hopefully be my last appointment with a health care provider until April. As of now, I am stitch-free, and as of 4:00 this afternoon, I will be drug-free (we are just talking about antibiotics, by the way). It will be nice to be whole and healthy, although I have been told that my mouth will take another 4 weeks to heal.

Not much on tap for this weekend. OBO and Son and I will probably try again to see "Harry Potter" and OBO and I plan to get together with friends. I know, I lead a very boring existence. I also know that I don't mind it a bit.

I'm finding myself to be very "meme resistant," so I'm not sure that I'm going to jump on the navel-gazing band wagon that everyone else seems to be on. However, since I did post a comment (or "drop of oil") on Tinman's blog regarding casual vs. committed sex, I thought it might reasonable to spend a few inches of browser space on my thoughts and experiences on the subject. You'll have to wait though: I'm really not in the best place to write such a post, and I'd really hate to spoil you by changing templates and providing some honest-to-goodness content all in the same post. God only knows, I'd be hard pressed to come up with a follow-up to that act!

Peace.

2002-01-09T09:51:00.000-05:00

149 TO GO!

I officially started on one of my New Year's resolutions today. It felt nice to get back into the pool, and I'm pleased to say that after nearly four weeks, I'm still able to swim. I also weighed myself, and if the scale is anywhere near accurate, it looks like I weigh about 190 lbs. -- the same as I did when I last weighed myself in 2000. I'd prefer to be in the 180-185 range, but 190 isn't too bad for someone as tall as I am (6' 2"). I'm even wearing size 33" trousers today!

Unfortunately, I haven't done much with regard to my other New Year's resolutions. I realize that it's only the 9th of January, but my work-related resolution is sort of an "every day" resolution, and so far this year, I haven't left work feeling too good about what I've done during the day. I'm going to do my darndest today, but I'm already not very optimistic.

One other source of mild anxiety is the fact that I haven't heard a single word from my dissertation chair. As of today, he's had my "final" copy for a full week. I know he's probably quite busy, but I had kind of figured that the changes that the committee had asked me to make were minor enough that he'd be able to check them rather quickly. I'm not going to worry about it too much, but if I haven't heard back from him by next Monday, I'm going to send him an e-mail message.

In other non-news, I am still pondering what I'm going to do with this weblog. I'm quite certain that I don't want it to go from "track Mark's completely unexciting progress on his dissertation!" to "track Mark's completely unexciting progress on his 2002 New Year's resolutions!" So I will try to spare you that. However, it looks the drama factor in my life is pretty much nil, so I'm hard pressed to come up with anything interesting to write about. I'm toying with the idea of engaging in the navel gazing that a lot of blogs publish, but it really isn't my style to wax philosophically about...stuff. Perhaps I should give it a try.

For now, at least, it looks like you might have to endure more of the same banality that utmaniva.blogspot.com is so famous for. Since my e-mail in-box is not flooded every morning with hate mail, I'll assume that's not a huge problem. :-)

Peace.

2002-01-07T17:00:00.000-05:00

BACK TO NORMAL?

Perhaps I would be, if it weren't for the throbbing pain in my right lower jaw. Perhaps a week of swimming would help, too. But other than that, life seems to be settling down. Maybe I'll even make it swimming tomorrow...

This past weekend was very mellow, and rather non-thought provoking. We didn't get to the theater in time to get tickets to "Harry Potter," so OBO and Son and I chilled out and play computer games. Son is becoming quite a whiz at chess.

The party on Saturday night was a lot of fun. A different crowd than OBO and I typically hang with, but a nice group nonetheless. It's been a while since I've been around a bunch of Episcopalians on a Saturday night.

Yesterday continued the mellow theme to completion. OBO and I went to a couple of home improvement stores and wired a couple of fixtures and fixed up the closet in our master bedroom. We had cocktails (mojitos! yum!) and chili and went to bed early. How much more mellow could it have been?

Today is the first full day that I've worked in over two weeks, and I'm finding myself to be very uninspired. The truth is, I've got a lot to do, but I'm really not in the mood to get started on any of it until I know that I'm going to give it the attention that it deserves, and today ain't the day for that. I am committing to pounding out all of the web pages I've been sitting on for over a month in the next two days, and I've got a new server and a new application that I need to test and train others on later this week. I don't mind taking it easy today and easing into the craziness.

On that note, and given that the first full week of 2002 is nearly over, I'm going to list out my final resolutions for this year. They're pretty much the ones I listed last week, but I've added a work-related one, and I'm providing some explanation for each.

Drum roll, please...

MARK'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS, v. 2002

* Swim between 150 and 200 miles. Explanation: If you know me, this one is pretty much self-explanatory. I like to swim. Swimming keeps me in shape and in good spirits. It exercises my sense of competitiveness in healthy ways, and allows me to work on things that I can improve at a healthy pace. Swimming between 150 and 200 miles means working out 3 or 4 times per week, every week, which is a good amount. It's achievable, but not easy to achieve as 2001 showed.

* Write and submit for publication and/or presentation three scholarly papers. Explanation: As the saying goes, "Strike while the iron is hot." I finished my dissertation, and now I need to commit to my scholarship if I intend to do anything meaningful with my doctorate. I've got one article ready to write, and would like to squeeze two out of my dissertation work. Doing all of this in one year is a bit aggressive, but entirely doable.

* Learn web-related technologies well enough to author cutting-edge web pages. Explanation: I actually do know HTML, so my earlier phrasing of this resolution was a bit misleading. What I really want to be able to do is to learn how to write database-driven web pages, and to include more Javascript and other "neat tricks" into web pages. Nothing flashy, but I want to be able to "walk the walk." I do hope some of what I learn eventually shows up here.

* Develop a structured and committed approach to my professional work that increases my value as an employee without sacrificing my quality of life. Explanation: This one reads like one of those awful performance evaluation forms, but I do have to face the fact that as of right now, I derive more benefit from my employment situation than does my employer, and I am not comfortable with that imbalance. This is not the way things have always been for me, but I'm done with my dissertation, and I've more-or-less healed from the damage inflicted by the job I quit nearly three years ago. It's time to start working again in a way that, at the end of the day, leaves me feeling like I've earned my keep. 'Nuff said.

* Work on some of my ADD-like personality traits, seeking professional help, if necessary. Explanation: This one seems kind of silly, but I suspect it's going to become more of an issue now that I don't have a dissertation dominating my life. In short, at times, I'm a high maintenance, anxious pain-in-the-ass. I've been diagnosed as being "ADD" (an ABD ADD...how funny is that?), a diagnosis that I don't entirely agree with, but can't refute. I can't sit still, I tend to get wound up very easily, and I drive more reasonable folk (like OBO) crazy. I drive myself crazy, too. I'm not sure that I need to start slugging Ritalin or anything, but I think I at least need to talk to somebody about my problem. If it does become more of a problem, and if I can't deal with it myself, then I resolve to get help.

So, there you have it. I fully expect 2002 to be a good year. I'm not predicting that, so much as committing to do whatever I can to make it a nice year. In 51 weeks, we can see if that's actually what happened.

Peace.

2002-01-05T11:40:00.000-05:00

27 TEETH

Ugh! Oral surgery turned into a nasty extraction. I now get to spend the next week with my mouth packed with something not unlike dried chewing gum. Word of advice: If your dentist ever tells you to get a crown on a tooth that's had a root canal, do it.

I took the rest of yesterday off and spent it playing with OS X and surfing the web. Actually, I did a lot of computer-related housekeeping and stuff that I simply haven't had the time to do. For instance, I can now find digital pictures that I've taken over the past year and a half, and my e-mail accounts are now in order, so I don't have to check them using a web browser. Not bad, although a day of that kind of stuff left me prett stir crazy.

This is, perhaps, the first weekend in years that I've not got anything planned. OBO and I are supposed to go to a party tonight, but beyond that, there's really nothing that has to be done. It's kind of akward, but nice. OBO, Son and I are probably going to go see Harry Potter (my first movie in months) and have lunch, and then OBO and I are going to get ready for our party. Tomorrow will probably be filled with errands, and, if I have anything to say about it, some chores and minor home improvement projects. I'm sick of boxes!

Peace.

2002-01-03T17:27:00.000-05:00

INTERSTICES

Lots to write about! Obviously, I haven't abandoned this blog yet, nor do I think that I will. I'd like to redesign it and maybe even get my own domain (how grown-up is that?) and become a "real" blogger. We'll see. For now, I'll just post as before, but hopefully focus on something other than my dissertation.

Since it's been over two weeks since I last posted -- the longest hiatus I've taken yet, I might add -- I really do have a lot to write about. Rather than do it all at once, I thought I'd just mention the highlights and fill in whatever details seem worth the effort at a later date.

Christmas was surreal. Not bad, but I didn't feel a bit like Christmas until Christmas day, and by then OBO and I were on our way to Paris.

Paris was wonderful, if a bit draining. Actually, a lot draining. OBO and I met up with Princess in DC as planned, and the three of us ran non-stop from the time we landed in Paris on the morning of the 26th until we left on New Year's Day. Whew!

Work isn't, or at least it hasn't been and won't really be until Monday. I had the 2nd off, and today ended up being a "snow day." I'm going in for a couple of hours tomorrow, but then I've got the rest of the day off to have oral surgery. Yippee.

As far as the dissertation goes, I do know that the copy I sent on the 20th made it to Utah and that it has been given to my chair. I haven't heard anything beyond that and I'm not holding my breath. On a related note, today offically marks the start of the first regular academic term that I haven't been a student since Summer Quarter 1995. It's about time.

As far as I go, I'm doing alright. I'm still coming down from the last couple months. I'm probably a bit depressed, but nothing serious. I was pretty sick for a few days in Paris (not that it stopped me, mind you), and I think I'm still getting over that and some jet lag. I'm just in a quiet, reflective mood. That suits me fine.

I've been working on my New Year's resolutions, something I take very seriously. By way of background, last year's resolutions were to finish my dissertation (which, as you know, I did), to leave the country (which I did not once, but three separate times!), to refrain from weighing myself (which I did, although I did get weighed by a couple of doctors), and to swim between 150 and 200 miles (which I'm pretty sure I didn't do, thanks to moving, writing a dissertation, and various injuries, diseases and medical procedures). Three out of four is not bad!

So for this year, I'm thinking about the following:

* Swim between 150 and 200 miles
* Write and submit for publication and/or presentation three scholarly papers
* Seek profession help for some of my...er...less pleasant and less healthy personality traits
* Learn HTML well enough to maintain a good blog

These are still subject to revision. I'll explain the third one later. It's nothing serious, it's just about investing in me as opposed to my career or my academic credentials or even my relationships.

Enough for now. Happy New Year!

2001-12-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

POSTSCRIPT

FINAL COUNTS:
Main section page count: 169
Overall page count: 226
Overall word count: 57,994

It's in the mail. I didn't get hit by a bus. And the more than 500 extra "words" are a result of changing "p-value" into "p value."

It's in someone else's hands now. I'm going out and getting a life!

Peace.

2001-12-20T09:04:00.000-05:00

THE END?

Main section page count: 169
Overall page count: 226
Overall word count: 57,421

Again, sorry for the lack of posts. I seem to be working with a "one post per week" maximum.

Well, folks, it's done. All revisions have been made. All contractions have been uncontracted (except for one that I kept for effect). All double spaces between sentences have been replaced by APA5-compliant singles spaces. I can't quite bring myself to print it out and mail it off just yet, but for all intents and purposes, it's cooked.

I'm probably going to give it just one more read-through and then send it off. I don't really gain anything by sending it before Christmas, since the person to whom I will be sending it won't be back in his office until the first of the new year, but I think I'll go crazy holding on to it. Once it hits the mail, it's out of my hands. I think that might be the best way to enjoy Christmas and Paris and...welll...life.

So, today is the day that I officially consider myself done, at least with the part that I have any control over. Barring any huge mistakes that have somehow evaded me, my dissertation work ends today.

This is not to say that the story is over. Of course, my department chair has to read it, as does the thesis editor. I still have to print up three copies and get them to the dean of the graduate school, who still needs to sign off on it. But these are things that aren't going to happen for months to come, and over which I have no control. I might have to repaginate or make an editorial change or something, but even those things are out of my control. To put it in somewhat grim terms, if, after mailing my dissertation off today, I got hit by a bus walking out of the post office, I'd die as Dr. Hampton. What happens after today are really just trivial details.

I'm not in a particularly reflective mood, so I'm not going to bore you with any "what a long strange trip it's been" stuff. Maybe later. I'm also not going to decide whether this is the end of this blog or not. Maybe, maybe not. We'll see. I'm sure I'll post a few more times, and once my head is clear of all of this dissertation stuff, I'll decide what I'm going to do. I do want to say that this blog was a very good thing for me. It pushed me to write, and gave me a place to vent when I was writing. In some ways, it seems unnecessary now. In other ways, it seems like a good opportunity to discipline myself in other areas of my life, and maybe even to have some fun.

This may not the end of utmaninva.blogspot.com, but it is definitely my last post as a "soon-to-be-former ABD." Thank God for that.

Peace.

2001-12-13T10:59:00.000-05:00

POST DISSERTATIONISM

Main section page count: 166
Overall page count: 220
Overall word count: 55,488

Sorry for the lack of posts. Not that anyone noticed it.

As you can see, I've done next-to-nothing on my dissertation. Not that I haven't thought of it, mind you. I just can't get too excited about the trivial amount of work that I have to do. I suppose it will hit me sometime this weekend and I'll finish it off, but it's not like anyone in Utah is waiting on me. Let's just say that I'm enjoying the break, but I'm sick of thinking about what work still needs to be done, and so won't be taking a break for much longer.

In other news...nothing much is going on. OBO and I have started doing some small home improvement projects, many of which really should have been done before we moved in (let alone had people over). I'm pondering life post-dissertation, but not too seriously since I'm really not quite post-dissertation yet. Oh yeah, and I'm going to France in less than two weeks. Pretty hard to think of how boring life is when you've got a trip to Paris to look forward to, right?

Life is good, if in a rather bizarre holding pattern. It will end soon enough and things really will get boring.

Changing subjects entirely, I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what I want to do with it now that I don't need it to keep me on track with my dissertation. Part of me wants to keep it going but with a different focus, and part of me wants to pack it in as soon as I send my revised manuscript off, presumably early next week. It's hard to say which I'll do.

Perhaps I should retire this blog and "come out" as it were with a totally new and improved blog that's more along the lines of what a blog should be: fabulous, part of the blog circuit, all of that. Problem is, I don't feel all that fabulous, nor do I pretend to be in the same league as folks like this. Plus, I don't know that the world needs another blog like that, especially one written by a B-List, non-artistic, low drama gay guy. At least with a dissertation, I had some angst. I'm imagining that post-dissertation, I'm going to be incredibly boring. Truth is, I'm kind of liking that idea.

Assuming there is actually someone reading this, and assuming that you actually care, you can always let me know what you think.

For now, I'll keep posting, and regardless what I do, I'll keep this blog up as long as blogspot will keep it.

Peace.

2001-12-10T09:17:00.000-05:00

A SUCCESSFUL DEFENSE...NOW WHAT?

Main section page count: 165
Overall page count: 219
Overall word count: 55,417

I'm not so sure that page and word counts are necessary, but I'll continue to post them...for a while at least.

Well, I defended, and I'm now being referred to as "Dr. Hampton." As an appellation, it's a bit hollow in that my "official" doctorate won't be awarded until the spring, and certainly not until I've successfully filed my dissertation with the graduate records office, something that is going to require a few steps. But as far as my committee goes, I'm done. It feels good.

Here's what's left to do: I have a number of typographical-type errors to correct, and some fairly substantial rewriting to do in Chapter 5 -- nowhere near as bad as I thought, but still something that has to be done. I've also go to create my table of contents and lists of figures and tables. I figure I can get all of this done in the next week or so, and certainly by the Christmas break. After I'm done, I mail a complete copy of my manuscript to my department chair, who will give it the final reading. If he has edits that he wants me to make, I'll make them and mail a revised copy to the thesis editor; otherwise the department will forward the copy I send them. She will check my manuscript for format and style as well as for grammatical and spelling errors. After she signs off on it, three copies of it go to the Dean of the Graduate School. Once he signs those three copies, I'm officially done. Because of the Olympics, I suspect that won't take place until sometime in March.

As far as I'm concerned, however, I'll be done as soon as I send the copy of to the department chair. Granted, there still will be a lot of busy work to do, but in my mind, the edits that I'm making now and the rewriting that I'll be doing later this week constitutes the last of the substantive work on my dissertation that need to be done. The rest is secretarial work.

Like I say, it feels good. I wish it were all done, but I'm smart enough to know that the worst of it is way behind me, and what remains is far better than I could have ever hoped for.

What a long, strange trip it has been.

Peace.

2001-12-03T17:08:00.000-05:00

THE LOST LANGUAGE OF CRANE

Counts have not changed...but probably will tonight

Not much to report here, except that the mega-super office supply-plexes don't seem to know what bond paper is. I spent a fair amount of yesterday morning trying to track down a source for some good Crane Thesis Bond. I finally found two boxes of it at Staples, but given that I'm eventually going to need at least 7 to print the three copies of my dissertation that I'm required to print, I'd hardly call that a find. At least I've got some to print my signature sheets.

I really haven't done much else in preparation for Thursday. Frankly, I'd prefer to be hanging pictures or putting up fixtures, but I'm going to hold off until I get back from Utah next week. Sigh.

I'm pretty optimistic about Thursday. Everyone I've talked to has assured me that it is really just a formality and that there's really not a lot more I can do to prepare for it. I'd still like to have a few overheads and something to hand out, but I've even been assured that won't be necessary. I'll bring food, that's for sure. :-)

The only big news in my life is that I had a big chunk of one of my teeth extracted today, and it hurts like hell! I'm hoping that this is the end of my "falling apart" phase, but you never know.

Enough for now.

Peace.

2001-11-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

POST-PARTEM BLAHS

Counts have not changed...duh!

Sorry that I haven't written much in the past two days...written anything, for that matter. Let's just say that I really haven't had anything to write about, and I'm sick enough of writing to write something just to have something to post.

I think I'm coming out of the stupor that accompanied my finishing. Everybody kept asking me if finishing was anticlimactic, which I suppose it was in a lot of ways, but I think I've just been numb and somewhat in disbelief. I seem to be recovering from that.

I guess I have to do something to get ready for this defense of mine, which is now less than a week away. I have talked to two of my five advisers, and they told me that had gotten my dissertation and that they were excited for me to defend. I'm going to try to get in touch with the other three later today or early next week.

I'm meeting with a friend of mine who is a professor here at the university where I work. He's going to give me some tips about defending and othewise give me moral support. I guess I need to start thinking about my presentation. The thought of putting together a PowerPoint presentation summarizing three yucky years of my life is not something I relish.

I am starting to enjoy my "free time" at home, even though I still have a lot to do. It's more mental than anything: I've got a lot to do, but I know that it's just busy work and an hour-long presentation/Q&A session. I do more on a good day at work than I have left to do on my dissertation. Somehow, that makes it a lot easier to enjoy things like TV and reading the paper. I'm funny that way.

'Nuff for now.

Peace.

2001-11-28T10:44:00.000-05:00

OKAY, SO I AM DONE

Main section page count: 161
Overall page count: 215
Overall word count: 54,784

It feels freaky beyond belief to write this, but I'm done. I just sent two files off to my five advisers, one containing the 161 pages of the main section, and one containing 44 pages of "end matter," including two figures, seven tables, and a list of over 100 references. It's complete, it's been edited fairly thoroughly, and, to the best of my knowledge, is rather good.

My chair panicked yesterday and wanted to call the whole defense thing off until next semester, but I assured him that things were in order. God, I just hope that they are. At least I now know that the fifth member of my committee is back in the country and will be able to attend.

I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself between now and next Thursday. I still need to put together some of the "front matter" stuff, and write up a abstract, and my references need to be put into APA format, but that all constitutes about an hour's worth of work. I don't really know what's in store for the defense, so I'm not really sure how to prepare myself.

I'm half tempted to do nothing. :-)

I'd like to say that it's a great feeling to be done, but I'm really not feeling much of anything at all. Incredulity, perhaps, and a vague sense of impending doom, but nothing else. Maybe something else will turn up as the day wears on.

Enough for now.

Peace.

2001-11-26T11:24:00.000-05:00

OKAY, SO I'M NOT QUITE DONE YET...

Main section page count: 162
Overall word count: 43,689

I thought I'd cut to the chase. :-)

My weekend o' work went pretty well. I'm almost done writing. I've assembled my bibliography, tied up most of my loose ends, and have put together two of the six appendices. I've still got to write a few more pages (!) in my "Implications" section -- only the most important part of the dissertation -- and I've got to put together the remaining four appendices, one of which is going to be pretty ugly. Oh yeah, and I have to give the thing a very good editing.

It still looks like we're on for the 6th. I'll call later today and see if things have changed, but I am beyond even keeping my fingers crossed. It's going to happen.

Otherwise, life is good, if not a little boring. Thanksgiving was nice. We spent the afternoon with friends, including OBO's ex-wife (who, I must say, is one of my favorite people in the world). We did a fair amount of shopping, both for me (can you say iPod?) and for the house. And, I spent a fair amount of time in the new office and at work and at the library, working on you know what.

Folks, I'm pretty much done. I'm having a hard time believing it, but that's what it's starting to look like. Another 1,000 or so words, a couple more appendices, and that's it.

How in the hell did that happen? :-)

Peace.

2001-11-21T10:26:00.000-05:00

MORE PROGRESS

Main section page count: 156
Overall word count: 42,181

Sorry for the boring headlines. Perhaps I need to start using song lyrics like other bloggers.

As you can see, I wrote a bit more last night. Nothing earth-shattering, but I think I've finished most of the revisions I need to make to Chapter 4, and I've fleshed out Chapter 5 a little more. Of course, this weekend will be the real thing. I've got to finish all my writing, assemble my bibliography, assemble my appendices, tie up loose ends, and edit the whole thing very thoroughly. If I give myself one day to do each of those things, then that means I have to finish all of my writing today! Yikes!

Thankfully, Thanksgiving should be fairly mellow. OBO and I are going to a friends house for an early TG dinner, and then we have the rest of the day to ourselves. I'm sure that OBO will be fairly stir-crazy, but I'm really going to try to cloister myself and work. I'll need to take a break here and there, so I won't be a complete recluse, but I also don't expect to win any "Most Doting and Loving Partner" awards. It's only for one more weekend.

I made to the pool again this morning, and it felt great! I'd love to hit the pool a couple of times over the weekend, but, alas, it will be closed until Monday. It's a shame, because I suspect I will have a lot of pent-up physical energy that I'll need to dispose of. Perhaps OBO and I can make good use of those breaks I'm going to need to take. ;-)

Peace.

2001-11-20T16:03:00.000-05:00

PROGRESS

Main section page count: 153
Overall word count: 41,420

Not a lot of progress on my dissertation, but progress nonetheless. I actually made it to the pool this morning for a very rushed 3/4-mile workout. Progress. And, it is looking more and more like December 6th will be the date of my dissertation defense. Progress, indeed!

I won't know until tomorrow, but if it is the 6th, then that only leaves me two weeks to finish up. I have no doubt that I can do so, but it is going to be tight. I'm not so much worried about the writing as I am putting together a presentation and boning up on my methodology, etc. But it can be done. The only downside is that I'll need to be flying in the middle of the week, and I won't have much "Utah time" before defending. Still, that means that I'll have Friday and the weekend to recuperate, visit family, etc., before flying back.

It was nice working in the new house last night. I don't have a "dissertation station" like I did before, but that only makes sense, given that my dissertation days are almost over. I'll have to make due working in the office which is already pretty crowded, or in the dining room. Either way, it's nice not to be banished to the basement.

If you can't tell, I'm really excited. :-)

Peace.

2001-11-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

A WEEK WENT BY, AND NOW IT'S...THANKSGIVING?!?

Main section page count: 153
Overall word count: 41,209

What a week! All I can say is Whew!

I haven't written anything, either here or on my dissertation, for over a week, but I have moved. Boy, oh boy, have I moved. Pretty much non-stop since last Sunday. We're all in, and we've even had a combination 40th birthday/housewarming party. Unfortunately, there's a lot more to be done....it's just been neatly relocated to the basement for the time being.

A quick recap of the past week:

Monday: Movers came in the morning, moved about 0.001% of everything we owned. OBO rolled last coat of paint on in last room that needed to be painted. Monday night was our first night in the new house.
Tuesday: Moved stuff before work, during lunch and after work.
Wednesday: Moved stuff before work, during lunch, and after work.
Thursday: OBO turned 40. I signed paperwork selling old house. Moved stuff before work, during 2.5 hour "lunch," and after work. Moved last load of stuff at about 10:00 p.m. (Quite the memorable birthday for someone, eh?)
Friday: Took day off. Put stuff away all day. Spent nearly $500 for stuff for party. Had to play Disraeli for lender and attorney's office, and still didn't close on loan until after 6:00 p.m., but ended up getting money back instead of having to pay!
Saturday: Cleaned like a crazy person right up to the moment guests started arriving. Served way too much food and was way too tired to enjoy the party as much as I wanted to. But the house looked beautiful, and we really enjoyed seeing friends we hadn't seen in a very long time. All in all, a great evening, and completely worth the hassle.
Sunday: Drooled a lot. Couldn't get subjects and verbs to agree.

Which brings us to today. I have a bunch of stuff to do at work, but I've really been very unproductive. I'm going to try to get started on the final assault on my dissertation tonight, but I don't have terribly high hopes for doing much. Honestly, if I can just set up my laptop, back up files and mabye do a little bit of editing, I will consider the evening a grand success.

One of the problems is, I still don't have a defense date. As it turns out, one of my committee members, the economist, got the semester off to recuperate from heart bypass surgery, and decided to convalesce in Thailand while teaching a seminar. Of course, he failed to tell me or anyone on my committee, and is doing a great job of ignoring his e-mail. The upshot is that it looks highly unlikely that I will defend this semester.

I suppose I should be upset, and I know that I will be upset when I end up paying nearly $1900 for another semester's worth of tuition (although, I fully plan to scream to high hell if it comes to that), but I'm either too tired to be upset, or I'm beyond being upset. I have 153 pages of a dissertation, that is, for all intents and purposes, ready to defend. I'm going to work on it like crazy this weekend, and by this time next week, will have something that as far as I'm concerned only needs five signatures to be ready for binding and sticking on the shelf somewhere. If the five old guys can't get their act together enough for me to defend this semester, at least I know that I've done everything I can.

Besides, something might work out for this semester. If it does, I'll be ready, if not, I still will have met my goal of finishing my dissertation this year. I'm going to get my doctorate, and once I'm done, the extra time and, should it come to it, the extra money will seem pretty trivial.

I guess it's hard to be too cranky when you live in a house as lovely as the one I now live in. :-)

Peace.

2001-11-11T10:12:00.000-05:00

GREETINGS FROM THE NEW HOUSE!

Counts have not changed

This is coming to you via dial-up (how 20th Century!) and from a room full of boxes, and I can hardly afford the time to write, but the G4 Cube is set up, This American Life is on the radio and the last coat of paint in the last room that needs to be painting is almost finished. We've got a lot of things to move, and then we have to get ready for the movers, but in some ways, the worst is over.

More later. Back to work!

Peace.

2001-11-09T17:02:00.000-05:00

AT WEEK'S END

Main section page count: 153
Overall word count: 41,105

As you can see, I've not done a lot of writing. Still, I continue to make some progress. Chapter 5 has been roughed out, and I suspect I could finish it up in an hour or two if I were so motivated. I've still got a number of revisions to make to Chapter 4, but even those could be done in a couple of hours. In other words, the finish line is in sight, I'm just in no hurry to get there.

I still haven't heard back from the department regarding my defense date, and I haven't been able to get through to the key committee member who my chair wants to review Chapter 4. I suspect one of the other of those events would light a fire under me, but for now, I've got other things to worry about.

This is the weekend of the big move. As of Monday, we officially live at the new house. And let me tell you, it is sweet! The floors turned out beautifully, and it's a couple coats of paint, some touch up work and a move away from being home. We're going to be busier than busy this weekend and all of next week, but it is going to be worth it.

It looks like most of the remaining hurdles and hoops between us and closing day have been jumped. We had some minor repairs done to the basement and rain gutters today, and that should be the last of the contingencies on selling the old house. We've got some termite damage that the current owners of the new house have to deal with, but that's their problem. Interest rates even look good. Did I need to worry? I don't know, but I'm way beyond worrying now.

Life, it seems, is good. I may recall this time as one of the best in my life, but I've at least got this blog to remind me that good as it may seem, it was a hell of a lot work!

Probably no blogging until Monday, and then, hopefully good news about a successful and easy move and even a defense date. A guy can hope, can't he?

Peace.

2001-11-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

LAST POST FROM THIS HOUSE

Main section page count: 150
Overall word count: 40,104

The only reason for this post is to note that it will be the last from this house. I suppose that I should wax philosophical about the 2+ years that we lived here, or even about my self-exile to the basement, or about iTunes -- wait! I already did that.

I didn't write much more on my dissertation. I do feel like I broke the ice up a bit. We'll see what tomorrow brings, but I'm just not worried about it, so I don't expect a lot of writing.

Despite my soon-to-be lack of dial-up and/or DSL access to the internet, I'll try to post, if only from work. If note, let's just hope that the next time I post, I've heard from all five advisers, I've finished Chapter 5, I've got a defense date, and I'm completely moved and am ready for OBO's birthday party on the 17th.

So, I guess I won't be posting until the 18th. :-)

Good night.

2001-11-07T16:42:00.000-05:00

CREAKING BACK INTO MOTION

Main section page count: 150
Overall word count: 40,079

The plaster work is done, and the floors are soaking in high test something or the other, so there's no way that either OBO and I can work there tonight or tomorrow night. My attention will, therefore, be turned to catching up on laundry, packing, and...you got it...writing!

Actually, the way I figure it, either tonight or tomorrow night will be my last night of writing in the old house. My last episode of self-banishment into the basement and my last spastic blast of fun catching the writer's wave while blasting iTunes on my Cube. I can't say that I'll miss it all that much, but it is worth noting its passing.

I still don't have a definite defense date. I proposed about five dates between November 30 (yikes!) and December 11, but that's a very busy time for people, so I don't know how easy it will be to get all five of them together during that time. As much as I feel like this thing is essentially "done," I don't think that I will really be motivated to finish until I have a date. However, once I do, stand back! I'm going to panic, be cranky, and generally freaked out, blissed out, and stressed out all at once until that date actually comes. I'll pull it off, but I'll age a decade or so in the process.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I made it back to the pool again today, and let me just say that swimming is da bomb. I know I say that every time I swim after taking time off, but it was especially nice today. I have been extremely sore from all of the sanding and plastering I have done, but 1000 meters into my workout, I felt better than I've felt in a long time. Good for the head, too. Of course, I will forget this observation repeatedly over the next month, but if I have any brains, the next month's worth of posts should be peppered with fond references to the great swim I recently had.

'Nuff for now.

Peace.

2001-11-05T14:15:00.000-05:00

FINAL GO-AHEAD

Counts have not changed

My chair got back to me with mostly good things to say about my magnum opus, Chapter 4. But the most important thing is....I get to schedule my defense date!! Sometime between now and December 11, I should be defending.

Of course, sometime between now and December 11, I should be finishing up the plaster work, painting a living room, moving, eking a home out of what is now a very dusty, but lovely house, finishing Chapter 5, assembling about 10 appendices and a bibliography, making various revisions not already made, working, celebrating OBO's 40th birthday and having a housewarming party, celebrating Thanksgiving, upgrading a server or two, and trying to stay sane.

Work on the house is going well. The floor guys are there today, and by week's end, we will be able to start cleaning up the plaster and wood dust. All of the painting is done, except for the living room. We even had friends over for cocktails last night.

I'm at one of those akward moments where I have so much to be excited about, and so much to worry about, that I really don't feel anything. Best enjoy it while I can. :-)

Peace.

2001-11-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

APPROACHING FORTY

Main section page count: 148
Overall word count: 39,591

Okay, so I couldn't stay away.

But on the subject of forty, did I happen to mention why else we're having a party, especially one billed as a "housewarming party" that's being held only days after we finally move into our house.

Yep. Someone's turning 40. ;-)

Good night.

2001-11-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

NEWS FROM THE OTHER BATTLES

Main section page count: 145
Overall word count: 38,927

As you can see, no real progress on Chapter 5, or the appendices, or the bibliography. Shoot me.

The truth is, I really do want to hear back from my chair before I start going crazy on Chapter 5. Plus, I'm sick of writing, and I think I've got a very good excuse to take a few days off.

My progress these days is better measured in terms of rooms painted, walls sanded, and holes patched -- not it that order, of course. I've got a whole day of sanding and painting ahead of me, and all the patching will be done, and what of the upstairs that we plan to paint will be done. We'll still have one room on the main floor, but that shouldn't be too hard to finish before we move.

The floor guys arrive Monday morning, and we'll be more-or-less banished from the house all of next week. I should get a chance to write and to start packing. The movers come the Monday after that, and by the Monday after that, we should be all moved in and should have pretty much cleaned up from our housewarming party. (Don't ask).

I already have a sense of how live post-dissertation is going to be, and I'm sensing that it isn't going to be that much more restful than life is now. Good. :-)

Peace.

2001-10-31T10:45:00.000-05:00

MOVING ON

Main section page count: 145
Overall word count: 38,745

I just sent Chapter 4 off to my chair. Whew.

I suspect I will never again write as much in the span of a day as I wrote yesterday. Not that I ever want to, mind you.

I probably won't spend too much time celebrating my having knocked another chapter off. Chapter 5 still has to be written, and I still have to put my bibliography together, not to mention the umpteen pages of appendices I've promised. And all of this has to be done in the next month if I'm to defend this semester.

But Chapter 4 is done, and that is too cool for words. :-)

I also made it to the pool today, and while I felt like I was drowning, actually swam 1800 meters. Now if I can just figure out a way to go back a couple more times before the end of the year, I might actually be able to burn off some of this fat that now pads every square inch of my body. Eww!

Peace.

2001-10-30T21:49:00.000-05:00

THERE BUT 4 THE GRACE OF GOD

Main section page count: 145
Overall word count: 38,566

I really dont' know what to say. I've written until my fingers are practically bloody (not so much of an exaggeration as before), and Chapter 4 is finally done. Okay, so I still have to read through, and possibly edit, the roughly 70 pages that make up this most beastly of chapters, but other than that, it's done.

Chapter 4 is nearly as long as the rest of my dissertation. It has 5 figures and 20 tables and refences about 50 pages of indices. In it, I have effectively summarized all of the pains and frustrations, joy and heartbreak, ennui and excitement that I have experienced over the past five months, roughly the same amount of time that I've been keeping this blog. A more in depth reading would hint at the two full years of frustration before that, and an even more in depth reading would hint at the very obsessiveness that seems to define me in situations like these. On the other hand, the latter observation might not actually require such an in depth reading.

I'm going to edit some more and then decide whether to have another cocktail (my third) or go to bed so that I can go swimming for the first time in exactly four weeks. Given my newfound affection for the number 4, I might just have to do the latter, but we'll see. :-)

Good night, and,

Peace.

2001-10-29T22:12:00.000-05:00

NO COMMENT

Main section page count: 133
Overall word count: 34,766

I really don't know what to say. I've written until my fingers are practically bloody (okay, not really, but they feel like they should be) and Chapter 4 is still not done. I could write and write and write and write and write and I doubt it would still be done.

I am at what OBO calls the "pre-pre-" stage: I am about to write the conclusion that comes before the conclusion that comes before the conclusion. In other words, I am officially wrapping it up. It's pretty much words from here.

Still, Chapter 4 is still not done. The moon is nearly full, which means that it's nearly November. And Chapter 4 is still not done.

Peace...and if you have extra, send it my way.

2001-10-29T09:05:00.000-05:00

NOT!!

Main section page count: 126
Overall word count: 33,336

Don't ask.

2001-10-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

FINAL ASCENT

Main section page count: 122
Overall word count: 32,382

The cutting is over and I think I'm back on track. Today I finish Chapter 4.

Peace.

2001-10-23T09:02:00.000-04:00

UGH.

Main section page count: Don't ask, because, frankly, I don't know

Ugh. A whole week without posting. It's not been good.

Ugh. Chapter 4 still not done and me facing some major rewriting. I think I'm "out of the woods" of this most recent major disaster, but I still have the pieces to pick up. I may write about it at length some day, but for now, "ugh" will have to suffice.

Ugh. We've spent nearly $4000 on stuff for the new house and haven't even started installing it or putting it all together. IKEA is a great fun...until you have to get the screwdrivers out.

Ugh. Half way through Princess' 10 day visit and we've gotten to spend next to no time together.

Ugh. Virginia is still in the midst of an anthrax scare.

Peace.

2001-10-16T08:31:00.000-04:00

HOME STRETCH (?)

Main section page count: 122
Overall word count: 32,223

As you can see, I've been busy. In fact, I would characterize my behavior over the past four or five days as nothing short of obsessive. I hope to finish Chapter 4 today and get it off to my chair tomorrow. Once I'm done with Chapter 4, I can schedule my defense date. I figure I'll work on it here and there but will finish Chapter 5 sometime in the next week. I may be underestimating the effort necessary to write Chapter 5, but after today, I figure I'm pretty much done.

We still haven't sold the house, which is a major bummer. We've technically taken possession of our new house, but don't dare to move until we get some good news about our old house. I guess we'll get over that if something doesn't happen soon. I'm figuring that I'm going to need to liquidate my retirement, which is a major bummer. I suppose worse things could happen, but I really do hate to have to do that.

Princess arrives tomorrow evening and will be here for 10 days. It is not coincidental that I'm wrapping up my dissertation work before she gets here. I was hoping to have the whole thing done (including Chapter 5), but that isn't going to happen. Still, I've done enough to enjoy a few evenings of dissertation-free painting and moving and enjoying having a dear friend in town.

Hopefully, the next time I post here I will be done with Chapter 4. Hopefully, my page and word counts won't be off the charts when I do. :-)

Peace.

2001-10-11T16:15:00.000-04:00

SWEET 100!

Main section page count: 102
Overall word count: 27,125

The writing continues, and it appears that I have passed yet another important milestone: my dissertation is now longer than 100 pages!!

Other things seem to be looking up as well. I'm feeling better and better (but fatter and fatter) as the days go by, and this morning, OBO heard back on some of the tests he had run on Tuesday. We can rule out most of the scary things we were worried about, but he is scheduled for tests of a more...err...invasive nature next month to rule out anything else.

I even got a nice annual evaluation from my boss. I'm not surprised, but I feel somewhat guilty as I know that I could be doing a lot more here at work. I'll just keep promising myself that once I get through this dissertation stuff and the move and all that, then I will pay my employer back for bearing with me through all of these distractions. Have no doubt that I'll make good on that promise.

I hate to say it, but for the first time in exactly a month, I actually feel optimistic. Zoinks! Have I just set myself up for a big disappointment?

Peace.

2001-10-10T17:00:00.000-04:00

KEEP THOSE TABLES AND FIGURES COMIN'!

Main section page count: 95
Overall word count: 25,390

I'm writing like a mad man. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, but who am I to complain? I figure I'm about half-way done with Chapter 4, and about 40 pages shy of finishing my dissertation. Consider that I've written 9 in the past day and a half, I haven't got much farther to go.

The bad news continues to pour in. Even as I am healing up, OBO has now found out that he has some kind of medical problem. Could be trivial, could be very serious. We won't know for a while. I tell you, this whole life of ours is nothing short of surreal. It reminds me of a desert thunderstorm, when it can be pounding rain and sunny at the same time, and when it can clear up only to pound rain even harder just a few seconds later.

Of course, no news to share on the house situation. We're supposed to start moving this weekend, but of course, we'll be preparing for an open house instead. Princess flies in a week from today to help us move, but of course, we'll be doing so without any real sense of whether we should more or just stay put.

I know it will all work out. I suspect OBO's health problems will work out to be trivial, just as mine did (he writes, crossing his fingers as he recalls that he hasn't heard back on the biopsy from last week's operation). We'll sell our current house and move, although not necessarily in that order. I'll finish my dissertation. Life will go from reading like a book from the Old Testament to something no one wants to read about at all. And fool that I am, I will secretly miss this rather interesting part of my life even though I will still recall how hard it was to live through it.

Peace.

2001-10-09T09:48:00.000-04:00

TROUBLE CHANGES VENUES

Main section page count: 86
Overall word count: 23,219

I'm feeling much better. My arm is healing nicely, and I almost sound normal. I can swallow without too much difficulty, and I feel great. About the only complaint I have physically is that I can't swim because of my stitches, so I feel like a lard-ass. I can live with that.

Unfortunately, my woes come from a different source now: I found out yesterday that the woman who was supposed to be buying our house has backed out. We're going to have to put the house back on the market, and have to get ready for another open house this weekend. Ugh. I'm not going to worry about it...at least not until after the weekend is over. If we don't find a buyer by this time next week, then OBO and I have to start thinking about liquidating our retirement funds and figuring out how we're going to pay for three mortgages. Ugh².

I'm using the opportunity to pour myself into my dissertation work. The word and page counts really don't do justice to the amount of work I'm doing, because I've been having to do a lot of analysis and sense-making that doesn't exactly translate into words and pages. It's tedious and not particularly fun, but, damn it, it seems to be the one area of my life over which I have some control, so I'm going with it! In fact, I'm actually kind of pleased that these other issues keep coming up, because they acting very much like a mental epidural during these last few weeks of scholarly childbirth.

I heard back from my chair on Chapter 3, and with the exception of a few fairly minor edits and points of clarification, he seems happy with it. I'm going to try to send him Chapter 4 by the end of this week or early next week. Once I do that, we'll schedule my dissertation defense. Then, all I'll have to do is stay alive and in one piece, and not end up homeless, and I'll be good to go.

Peace.

2001-10-06T16:49:00.000-04:00

ON THE MEND?

Main section page count: 79
Overall word count: 21,698

Sorry for the news blackout. It's been a rough week.

I think I'm beyond all the yucky health stuff. I got my throat checked out by my regular doctor and then an ENT, and apparently, I fractured my cricoid cartlidge, which caused my left vocal cord to fill up with blood. It's apparently not something that should happen when someone swallows, so I don't know what was up with that. There's nothing I can do but just wait for it to heal. Meanwhile, I just have to put up with having to explain to people like my own mother that it really is me when I call on the phone.

I got my skin cancer removed yesterday. They took a lot more of me than I thought they would, but I seem to be managing fine. Swimming is out of the question for a couple of weeks, but I can live with that.

OBO and I took possession of our new house today and are now readying ourselves for the various pre-move projects -- painting, refinishing floors, etc. -- and the move itself. I'm really not all that excited about the whole exercise, but I'm sure we're going to be very happy we did this.

News from the dissertation front is neither good nor bad. I haven't heard back from my chair on Chapter 3, but I have done a fair amount of work on Chapter 4. I'd really like to finish it up in the next week, but I suspect my new distraction, e.g., the house, is going to make that pretty hard. We'll see.

The good news on that front is that once I finish Chapter 4, my chair is going to let me set up my defense date. That means I could be defending sometime in November. That is too exciting for words! We'll see if I can get Chapter 4 done as quickly as I think, but even still, I should be able to defend before the end of this semester. That's all that matters to me.

I'm off to write.

Peace.

2001-10-03T11:21:00.000-04:00

FALLING APART

Main section page count: 75
Overall word count: 20,716

My own body seems to be conspiring against me.

This morning, while enjoying a pear and a cup of coffee, I heard/felt a "pop" in my throat when swallowing, and now my voice is all weird and swallowing is extremely painful. Neat trick, huh.

Add to that the fact that I found out last Friday that a little spot on my right arm was as I had suspected, skin cancer. Nothing major, but since it is the third occurrence in the same spot, I'm scheduled for "minor surgery" this Friday afternoon.

I'm no Job, but this does seem like a bit much to be going through while trying to write a dissertation...and move, and work full-time, and maintain some semblence of sanity.

For what it's worth, Chapter 3 -- which on full reading turned out to be pretty good -- was sent off to the chair earlier this morning. Assuming I'm not in the hospital, I start on Chapter 4 tonight.

Let's just hope that my fingers aren't the next things to go.

Peace.

2001-10-02T22:34:00.000-04:00

THREE IS THE NUMBER OF THE COUNTING

Main section page count: 75
Overall word count: 20,690

It feels like I did more, which, I suppose, is all that's important. The big news, I suppose, is that Chapter 3 appears to be done.

I do "suppose" a lot these days. I'll forgive myself.

Tomorrow, a quick read through of Chapter 3, and, if it proves sound, sending it off to the chair. Hopefully, by this time tomorrow, I will be plowing into Chapter 4 like nobody's business.

My, I do seem to be using a lot of commas. Stop, me, please!!

Good, night.

2001-10-01T21:54:00.000-04:00

SEE?! SEE?!?!

Main section page count: 73
Overall word count: 20,145

As threatened, the tables landed, so my word/page counts are way up. I guess I did do something this weekend. Still, I'm not quite done with Chapter 3, and not sure I want to try to finish. In other words, my feelings on the subject are rather vague and I am rather tired.

Still, I broke 20K today. Only 40K more to go.

Yippee.

Good night.

2001-10-01T16:09:00.000-04:00

ANOTHER MONTH BEGINS

Main section page count: 66
Overall word count: 18,633

It doesn't look like I did much this weekend, and I suppose I really didn't. I re-did most of my analyses and worked on some tables that will cause both my page and word counts to skyrocked once I put them into my dissertation, but none of my work was particularly satisfying. I don't even get to say that I finished Chapter 3.

Anyone following my dissertation work will note a pattern or cycle to my moods and productivity. I guess I'm in the "let's not take this too seriously" phase. It should be followed by the "Wow! Look how much I'm writing and how fun this is!" phase, which, in turn, will be followed by the "crash and burn" phase. I'm hoping not to put myself and my loved ones through too many more of these cycles, but I don't suppose I have much control over any of it.

That's not to say that this weekend wasn't productive in other ways. I made it to one of Son's soccer games and got to see him score his first goal ever. OBO and I shopped for paints and appliances for the new house and met with the sellers, who are moving out this week. I went clothes shopping yesterday and took the dogs for a nice long walk. I even got my training presentation ready for tomorrows inaugural training (wherein I actually start doing the job I was hired to do). In other words, it was a very productive weekend, and if it weren't for this damned dissertation, it would have been a very pleasant one at that.

Tonight, I start back in earnest. I hope to finish Chapter 3 once and for all, and get a good start on Chapter 4. I'm shooting to finish my first full draft by the 18th, which is when Pricess will probably be arriving from Utah. She's coming to oversee some of the details of the move and to burn up a few of my frequent flier miles (I figure we'd better use them now before the airlines stop honoring them) and to have some fun. And that's exactly what I intend to do, so I'm quite motivated to finish.

Of course, I've been quite motivated to finish for a while now, but still haven't managed to do so. But I have a feeling that this is the month that I will finish. Check with me 30 days from now to see if I was right. :-)

Peace.

2001-09-29T11:26:00.000-04:00

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Main section page count: 65
Overall word count:18,427

'Nuff said...except that I'm writing this from an OS X 10.1 machine!!

More later...

Peace.

2001-09-27T16:29:00.000-04:00

DISASTER...WHATEVER!

Main section page count: 65
Overall word count: 18,369

I can only characterize what has happened with my dissertation and in my life in the past two days as "crash and burn." I recovered from the aforementioned "near disaster" only to uncover a more disastrous situation with my analysis. I've not yet recovered from that one, and am not sure that I ever will, or that I ever care to. My writing has ground to a halt. I've become cranky beyond belief, and my home life is suffering. I'm tired and sick of writing and sick of being anxious and just feel sick.

I know that my troubles are pretty silly when compared to the rest of the worlds', but it still doesn't help. Last night, I heard from a friend who had just spent the summer tracking down her ex-husband and waging court battles to get daughter, who he kidnapped, back. The news is filled with grim stories of nearly 7000 people who died earlier this month. There's been a shoot-out in Switzerland, of all places. The economy is tanking and tens of thousands of people are losing their jobs each day. Oh year, and poor little Markie is tired of writing, tired of worrying about his various real estate transactions, tired of actually having to work, and just plain tired! It really doesn't measure up to all those other things, but that's not the point.

I guess I need a breakthrough or a couple of days off. The breakthrough just doesn't seem to be happening, so it may be a while before I post any progress. Or post at all, for that matter.

Ciao.

2001-09-25T16:39:00.000-04:00

NEAR DISASTER

Main section page count: 64
Overall word count: 17,989

Not much progress to report, but boy have I done a lot of work on my dissertation! I was all set to finish Chapter 3 last night when I realized that I'd neglected a rather major issue with my data. Without going into detail, for the rest of the evening, I was thoroughly convinced that all of the analyses I did this past summer -- hell, this whole past year -- were worthless and that I would need to start over. I worked on redoing my main analysis last night, but I wasn't able to finihs. I didn't sleep very well, but as soon as I got to work, I was able to wrap it up. My findings changed somewhat, but -- miracle of miracles -- they actually improved. Writing recommences tonight.

I'm actually glad this happened, because I know that it strengthens my analysis, and it puts me in a very good frame of mind for writing Chapter 4, which I intend to get to very soon.

House stuff appears to be going well. We have now officially sold our house, and we have settled the final details of the house we are buying. It looks like we will be moving in less than two weeks, but we've got over a month where we'll have both houses, so there will be no hurry. I will probably move all of my dissertation stuff over to the new house early on so that I can work over there in peace and quiet. I'd like us to get over there as soon as possible, but we'll see.

Slowly but surely, things are coming together. Virginia is providing a very lovely and cool backdrop to all of this drama and angst, making it all a lot more tolerable. It's all going to work out, even if I end up burning a whole in my stomach lining getting there.

Peace.

2001-09-23T21:51:00.000-04:00

SUNDAY, LOVELY SUNDAY

Main section page count: 63
Overall word count: 17,805

Another day, another 800 words. But not only did I write...I spent much of the day with Son hiking around Belle Island, a historic site in the middle of the day. I also enjoyed a leisurely lunch with OBO and Son, and made a nice dinner (if I do say myself). I even wrote a few long-overdue e-mails. Oh yeah, and I worked on "work" (i.e. that which makes all of this possible) projects for several hours.

Days like me wonder how many hours there are in a day...and how to petition for a few more.

Since this is advertised to be a "dissertation progress site," a few word about today's progress: I fully expect these past few days' progress to be the norm. I'm writing about the stuff that I've been thinking about day and night for the past two years. Well see if I'm right, but I fully expect to write nearly a thousand word per day from now on, and I fully expect finishing Chapter 4 sometime late next week. Chapter 5 might be another story, but I still seem to be on target for a late November or early December defense.

Excellent. Now I just have to do it.

Peace...and good night.

2001-09-22T22:24:00.000-04:00

AND SO IT GOES

Main page count: 60
Overall word count: 17,016

So I only pounded out 800 words! Shoot me! Actually, just put your gun down and realize how trivial all of this is. Really!

Seriously, I'm really proud of myself! I didn't much more than half as much as I did yesterday, but it's still pretty incredible. Never mind that OBO and I had to clean the house for another prospective buyer and might very well be able to say that we've sold this house. Never mind that I made a great dinner and spent a nice day with OBO and Son. Never mind that I didn't beat myself to death to do what I did, but I still did it.

I'm tempted to schedule my disseration defense date, if for no other reason than to have a reason to buy an airline ticket and thereby add my tiny voice to those that are trying to tell the world that we are still ready for it to be open for business. That, and I don't want to end up paying through the nose if the economy tanks.

But all that matters right now is that I am writing, and the world didn't get hit with the second wave of attacks as was suspected, and I love OBO and Son, and it was a lovely day, and I'm ready to get on with my life.

Good night.

2001-09-21T22:25:00.000-04:00

BACK IN MY GROOVE

Main page count: 58
Overall word count: 16,206

Well, folks, I'm back to writing. Despite taking last evening off, I seem to have pounded out nearly 1500 words since I last posted -- all of those in the past four hours, I might add. The way I figure it, I could finish my dissertation in about three days if I could keep that up morning and night. I'd like to think that I could, but I'm ready for bed.

Work was very busy, and will be busy for a while to come. That's not a bad thing, because it keeps me from scouring the web for any shred of news to prove that our world is going to hell. Plus, I always feel better when I feel like I'm earning my keep.

I hate to say it, but I, too, was impressed with Bush's speech last night. I don't like what he had to say, but I recognize that it needed to be said. Of course, I'm cynical enough to know that a very good speechwriter needs to take the credit, but couldn't the same be said of Clinton, Bush Sr., Reagan, et al.? It's an act, and it's nice to know that George W. has finally figured that out. Now, let's just hope that he's got someone just as good telling him what to do.

I am more than old enough to remember the Gulf "War" and to remember how it felt to know we were going to "war." My mind relies on that experience way too much, because as I've more than indicated, that was hardly a "war." This is so different, but the president and the target are so similar that it's hard for me to break away from that relatively painful memory to grasp exactly why we are going to war (without quotes, unfortuntately), and what that war must bring.

Denial is a wonderfully awful thing. To anyone who lost a friend, family member, or loved one in last Tuesday's tragedy, please know that my shallow comments fail to belie a great sadness I will probably feel for the rest of my life. I guess that I deal with that sadness by writing.

Good night.

2001-09-20T16:43:00.000-04:00

CLOSE TO NORMAL

Main page count: 59
Overall word count: 14,711

Sorry for the infrequent updates. I've been busy, and not much in the blogging mood.

Thing seem to be getting back to normal. My bout with mono seems to be over. I'm actually listening to more music than I am news, although I find myself checking Yahoo! News about 10 time per day. I actually made it swimming this morning, my first time in more than a week. My appetite seems to be back. I'm writing again, although not nearly as much as I need to be. Work is crazy, but I seem to be managing. Our house buying/selling woes continue, but they seem to be coming to a head, and the worst should be over fairly soon.

Despite my need to write, I'm taking tonight off to spend some quality time with OBO. We'll probably just watch reruns on TV (assuming our idiot president doesn't dominate the evening airwaves with his "Wanted dear or alive so that 'Merica can stand tall" crap) and turn in early. It will put me a day more away from being done, but I think I deserve it.

That's all I can think of to say, and all that I have the time or energy to write.

Peace.

2001-09-18T22:46:00.000-04:00

BUSY DAY

Main page count: 51
Overall word count: 14,192

I'm too tired to write about today, so let it suffice to say that, 1.) I wrote, not much but some; 2.) I did the skin cancer thing and it wasn't too bad; 3.) We got an offer on the house that wasn't near what we expected, but that we accepted nonetheless, and 4.) I'm tired, but not nearly as tired as I was this time last week. I may even try to swim tomorrow.

That's all I have the energy for.

Good night.

2001-09-17T16:59:00.000-04:00

THE NEW WEEK...SO FAR

Counts have not changed

Today wasn't as bad as I expected. Then again, I'm not a stock broker: 684 points! Yikes! Still, I think a lot of people were expecting a lot worse, and I suspect the market will start to rally, if not tomorrow, then by the end of the weeks. Let's just hope that the patriotic feeling that so many people seem to be feeling doesn't give way to the rapaciousness we American's are know for.

Work went surprisingly well, too. I felt like crap this morning and actually even considered calling in sick, but I'm glad I came in. I'm not so sure that I proved that I'm worth all of the money that they pay me, but I'm quite confident that I can make a pretty good case for myself by this time next week. Let's hope I'm right.

Tonight will be my first full night of dissertation work since last Tuesday. I've got mixed feelings about starting back up. On one hand, I'm excited to get it done, so I'm excited to get started again. On the other hand, I'm tired and need a day or two off, and not so sure that I want to spoil the high of last weeks good news (on my dissertation, that is...I'd hardly qualify anything else about last wee as "good news") with the frustration that will inevitably unfold once I get started again. But I have no doubt that I will get started, and I hope to report some real progress in my next post.

Physically speaking, I am feeling better. The mono seems to be letting up...I've got just one lymph node that still swollen, and even it isn't all that bad. I haven't been swimming since last Tuesday, so I feel like a fat and achy blob, but that's to be expected. OBO and I plan to go swimming tomorrow, but I'm not expecting much.

Oh yeah...I've got to get a skin cancer removed tomorrow. I'm falling apart, I tell you!

No news on the house. As much as I'd like some, I'm kind of relieved. Right now, I just wish that we were staying put for a few more months, so I'm pretending that we are. I realize that the bank or the realtor or somebody is going to call and shatter my little make believe world, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm leaving here in a few minutes to go home to my perfectly clean house where I am going to settle in for the evening without a care in the world.

One more thing before I go...I've decided to change my sign off from "Ciao" to "Peace" permanently. Part of my decision is based on the fact that "Ciao" sounds so contrived...as far as I know, there isn't a drop of Latin blood in me, and I think as a general rule, somebody who dresses entirely in Eddie Bauer shouldn't be saying things like "Ciao."

Of course, the other part of my decision is that I really do wish you peace...whoever you are.

Peace.

2001-09-16T20:53:00.000-04:00

AT WEEKEND'S END

Counts have not changes

I'm exhausted. Our house is ready to sell, and may well be on the way to being sold. I just feel tired, sad, happy, and in need of a weekend.

But, tomorrow is Monday, the first day of The Week in Which I Prove That I'm Worth All the Money that They Pay Me. Great to start such a week feeling like I've run the Trail of Tears only to realize that I'd left my keys at home.

And, those counts have got to change sometime soon.

Good night.

2001-09-14T17:15:00.000-04:00

AT WEEK'S END

Counts have not changed

I really don't have much to say, but it seems like I should post something. So here goes.

What a week. It feels like I accomplished next to nothing, but the fact that I've been able to drag my sorry ass out of bed every morning really has been something of a major accomplishment. The mono isn't so bad, but the combination of it ravaging my body and the events of earlier this week ravaging my mind has been too much for even me. Yet, I did make it in to work every day, I finished Chapter 2, got the paperwork together for a home loan and did at least enough work to keep from being fired.

This weekend is going to be nuts. Starting just a few minutes from now and lasting until about noon on Sunday, I will be painting, organizing, scrubbing, fretting and all the usual stuff one does before an open house. Then it's off to a birthday party. Then it's back to see if anyone actually wants to buy our house. Then comes the 15 minutes where we actually get to relax this weekend. Then it's back to work.

I really do hate to be bitching so much. There are a lot of people a lot worse off than me. Today, I was thinking of all of those people stranded in airports all over the world who feel so incredibly lucky to be alive but who are a hell of a lot worse off than me right now. One of them probably even has mono and was planning to put his house on the market this weekend. I doubt he's bitching anywhere near as much as I am.

I just hope he gets home soon and finds all of his loved ones well. And despite all of my bitching, I thank God every moment of every day that I get to do just that.

Peace.

2001-09-13T17:04:00.000-04:00

REBUILDING

Counts have not changed

I almost feel guilty admitting it, but today has been a pretty good day. I don't feel much better, but I don't feel worse. I'm finally able to think about something other than Tuesday's nightmare, and I'm noting that even the news about that subject is peppered with a few bits of positive. Work has been crazy, but people are starting to laugh again, which is nice. And last, but not least, my dissertation chair wrote back with positively glowing comments about my lit review.

I'm not planning on writing much for the next couple of days. We will be having our open house on Sunday, which also happens to be Son's birthday, so the next few days will be filled with painting and cleaning and getting ready for a birthday party. I'll be more than happy to give it a rest, and even to savor this morning's good news before forging on, but I won't be a bit surprised if I sneak away from the house-work and write a bit even still.

I still don't know what to think about Tuesday's disaster. Tears still well up in my eyes whenever I think about it, but I'm also starting to get cynical about it. It takes about 48 hours, but the ugly side of some of my countrymen still shows through even in situations as horrendous as these. And I'm not talking about the few yahoos who firebombed, shot at or otherwise harassed a handful of undeserving Muslim folks. As a nation, our greed and out arrogance can be appalling, and I'm beginning to fear that the better qualities that so many of us displayed over the past two days are very soon going to be replaced with swagger, political maneuvering, and inhuman indifference to the plight of other who are different from us only in that they did not have the good fortune -- the incredible fortune -- to be born in this county. Please hope like hell that I'm wrong.

But enough of the negativity. Today is not what I would call a "good day," but in light of how bad things can be, it's not been all that bad, either.

Peace.

2001-09-12T22:59:00.000-04:00

FOUR FRONTS

Counts have not changed

Well, it's official. I have mononucleosis. Besides the toll this will take on my sex life (and just who has OBO been kissing?), I now get to include poor health with the other three things I have to worry about: school, work and home. And the superfun thing is, I may produce the first full draft of my dissertation and sell this house and move before my mono goes away. What a super thing to serve as a backdrop to the rest of my chaotic life.

Of course, my words drip irony. Butter though they may be, I still can't banish the questions I mentioned earlier today from my mind. My bitching about my diagnosis is as much an affirmative comment on the fact that I'm lucky enough to know (??) that I'm going to live to see this illness through despite dissertion, move, etc., as it is a sadly wry comment on the fact that yesterday thousands of people would have switched lives with me in a heartbeat. Put another way, my swollen glands, impossible schedule and oppressive guilt seem pretty trivial when compared to...you know.

FWIW, I did send Chapter 2 off to my dissertation, and tonight, I'm going to get started on Chapter 3.

No. I'm not. My head is throbbing, my throat, even more so. I'm sick, and despite the woes of the world, I need to take care of myself.

Good night.

2001-09-12T10:57:00.000-04:00

LIFE GOES ON...DOESN'T IT?

Main section page count: 56
Overall word count: 13,753

It seems kind of strange to post that kind of trivia in light of the real news going on, but I'm also reminded that the greatest damage that can come from the kinds of horrific events that occurred yesterday is to have us live in fear and put our dreams on hold.

It seems kind of strange to note that I wrote nearly 3000 words over the course of the past two days, and while my page/word counts don't reflect it, nearly 2000 of those were written after I heard the news. I guess it was just my way of dealing with the whole experience.

Since it will be "the thing" to remember from all of this, here's my "Where was I when I found out?" and a quick overview of how the day unfolded.

I woke up feeling pretty crappy yesterday, but OBO and I made it swimming. I decided that I would try to get a doctor's appointment, and actually remembered to call my doctor's office right at 9:00 when it opened. I got an appointment for later today, and so I called OBO to tell him that I would be able to meet him for lunch. He asked me if I had "heard the news," which was really just unfolding then. Apparently, the second plane hit about the same time I called him. I tried to get news on the 'net, but they were painfully slow. Fortunately, the radio station in Salt Lake City that I typically listen to suspended regular programming and started to broadcast the events as they unfolded.

Princess called me in tears shortly after 10:00 to ask if I'd heard the news and if I thought we were in any danger. Richmond is less that 100 miles from Washington, DC, but it's far enough in the backwater that I doubt any terrorist-- at least a foreign terrorist -- would think to hit it. But in that we're in the flight path of Washington, DC from several major Southern cities, I did admit some worry that they'd have to shoot down an airliner over us. A very remote chance, but the thought that such a thing could happen...that, if necessary, such a thing should happen -- was too bizarre.

I didn't do much else all morning, even thought my office still appeared to operate normally. OBO and I went home at 12:30 and I finally got to see the events on TV. It had pretty much ended by then, but they were running loops of all of the footage that they had, so it was like it was happening all over again. As I said to OBO after watching the footage of Flight 175 smashing through the second tower, "No one should ever have to see a plane smash through a building." Yet watch it we did, over and over, each time wondering what was going through the minds of the passengers and the people looking out of their office windows at the approaching plane, and the people on the ground, and the families of the people who, having heard of the first crash, were wondering how long it would take their loved ones to get out of the second tower. Those questions ran around my head all day, but like the tiger chasing Sambo around the tree, they've now pretty much turned to butter.

I ended up leaving work early. I didn't feel at all well, and OBO's work closed early, so I left around 3:30 and went home and slept. I woke up at around 5:30 when our realtor stopped by to have me sign the paperwork to put our house on the market. We grimly noted that selling a house during wartime might not be the best idea, but as I said above, we have to let life go on, or we really will have been defeated.

I alternated between writing and watching TV the rest of the night. I'm not a TV watcher, so I suspect I watched more TV yesterday that I have watched all summer, It was kind of like a sick addiction, but I so wanted to hear something that made it all make sense. Unfortunately, I heard nothing of the sort.

My condolences and prayers go out to all of the citizens of New York City and environs, to the familes and love ones of everyone affected by these acts of violence, and to everyone in this country and in this world whose lives will never be the same because of the terrible, terrible things that happened yesterday.

Peace.

2001-09-11T11:17:00.000-04:00

SPEECHLESS

2001-09-10T13:41:00.000-04:00

WHEN DOES THIS FUN STOP?

Main section page count: 48
Overall word count: 10,928

The rest of the weekend wasn't nearly as productive as Friday, but I did manage to pound out nearly another thousand words. I keep that up, and I really will finish this year.

The problem is, I'm exhausted. Not just "sick 'a writing," mind you, but bordering on the edge of a complete physical breakdown with a mental one not too far off.

What's more, I really can't figure out why. Sure, I've done a fair amount of writing, and sure, I'm now burdened with the task of getting our house ready to show in less than a week. Plus, it's not like I just started writing last week. I've been at this for a long time. It's just that I feel *really* bad, more so than I really should even given how much I'm doing.

I'm chalking it up to a combination of a minor bug (I have a few swollen lymph nodes), age (I can't do this kind of stress like I used to be able to do), and a lot of worrying (which, admit it, does wear one down).

I just want to sleep for about a month and do nothing but cry and make love...maybe even at the same time.

But life goes on.

Ciao.

2001-09-07T22:52:00.000-04:00

TEN GRAND AND COUNTING!

Main section page count: 45
Overall word count: 10,086

Well folks, I did it. I broke 10K. Why this matters to me is something of a mystery to me. Perhaps it's because my friend Chun-Shek wrote as much on his Blogathon day. Perhaps it's something to do with the Dow. Perhaps it's just a need to search through the mental desert this kind of effort becomes in order to find otherwise arbitrary goals that one can celebrate to keep onesself sane.

In other words, until I'm actually done, you're going to get a bunch of this kind of shit.

Actually, I did mark an honest-to-goodness milestone today. I shot versions of my Chapters 1 and 2 off to my chair today. This is the first time anyone other than yours truly has seen "my dissertation," so I've essentially entered a whole new realm. Unfortunately, Chapter 2 wasn't quite done (it still isn't), but I sent it anyway. At this point, this thing is a work in progress, so I've got to get over feeling bad about it not being done.

In other news (do I need to start a whole new italicized section), our new house got inspected today, and it looks like the current owners can fix pretty much anything that has any problems for less than $2000. I'm glad, but then I get really scared thinking of exactly what it's going to cost for us to get out of this place. Don't get me wrong, the Casa Piña (as Princess calls it) is a fine, fine abode. But it may suffer from some unknown problems, and I can think of at least two or three problems from which I know it suffers. Unfortunately, yours truly was a bit naive at the time of purchase and bought the place without an inspection (I know, I know!!), so it's time to pay up.

Just what I need.

Believe it or not, I'm going to write some more. Ain't I just sassy?

Ciao.

2001-09-06T17:23:00.000-04:00

BACKFILLING

Main section page count: 41
Overall word count: 9034

(Don't ask me about the page counts...I have no idea what's up with that!)

Not much writing, but a whole heckuvalot of research. I spent a two-hour lunch break at the library working on my lit review. Since I did my lit review two years ago, I don't have many references later than 1999. Besides looking bad, there was always that off chance that there might be a new study that helps (or hurts) my own study. As it turns out, nothing much happened in the last two years, but I did find some nice pieces that will help in my lit review.

In other news, the offer was accepted, so it is now official. Our house goes on the market in the next few days. OBO and I are going to be spending a fair amount of time getting things ready for an open house on the 16th. Ugh. I can't believe we're doing this, but we really do like the house we're going to buy. I guess it will all make sense at some point, but right now, I feel like I've done the most stupid thing possible: voluntarily introduced a major life change at a time when I should be working on my dissertation 24/7.

I've been wound out tighter than a grandfather clock, but I think the whole thing has kicked me into ultra-productive mode. There's no time to whine or "just not feel like writing." I'm rediscovering those wonderful hours after 10:00 p.m. when Son and OBO are in bed, and I'm finding that 4 - 5 hours of sleep can be enough if you put your mind to it. Hell, I even got up at 5:30 this morning and went swimming!

Folks, this is going to be the weirdest three months of my life, but I'm going to make it...and maybe even live to tell the story.

Ciao.

2001-09-05T16:15:00.000-04:00

FALL CLOSES IN

Main section page count: 43
Overall word count: 8824

We were only gone five days, but it feels like a month! Not that I couldn't use an actual month (or two), mind you.

I think if feels that way because of the not-so-subtle differences between late-August and early-September weather here in Richmond. When we left, it was swelteringly hot, yet this morning, it was quite cool and very fall-like. Of course, the school buses and first few bits of color in the trees don't hurt, either.

As you can see, I wrote like a mad man: nearly 2200 words and about 8 pages (it appears that I was overcounting pages in earlier versions)...and all of it good. The only problem is, I still have so much to do. I feel like I'm no closer to finishing Chapter 2 than I was before we left. Truth is, I've probably got another 5 - 10 pages to write on my lit review. Frankly, I'm sick of it and ready to let it go for a while so that I can work on Chapters 3 and 4. The problem is, I promised my chair that I'd send him Chapters 1 and 2 this week, so I really have to try to wrap it up. Ugh.

Big news: After a fair amount of negotiation, it looks like OBO's and my offer will be accepted later today. Assuming that happens, we'll be putting our current house on the market in just a few days, and hopefully selling it in the next week or so. I can't believe we're doing this at the same time I'm trying to write a dissertation, but what the hell. I'm notorious for finding the most difficult way of doing just about everything, but still managing to pull it off. In some sick way, moving will probably help my writing, even if it kills me in the process.

It's going to be a crazy, crazy fall. How exciting!

Ciao.

2001-08-30T14:06:00.000-04:00

AU REVOIR AUX ETATS-UNIS!

Counts have changed, but I'll be darned if I can tell you what they are

In just a few minutes, I leave work to head home and head out of town. OBO and I are staying somewhere in Upstate New York tonight and then driving on to Montréal tomorrow morning. By this time tomorrow we should be there.

I've got my laptop and a big box of the literature, not to mention a satchel full of books and papers and pens and things. It's going to be a major writing extravaganza.

I do plan to relax, I promise.

Je suis en retard! C'est tous que je peut écrire!

Ciao.

2001-08-29T10:51:00.000-04:00

A MILESTONE OF SORTS

Main section page count: 35
Overall word count: 6643

Man, I must be grasping at straws, both in finding something to write about and in finding evidence of progress on my dissertation, but here goes: The Word file containing my dissertation work is now larger than 100KB! I do realize that I could fit 14 copies of it on a measly floppy and still have room left over, but that's not the point. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what the point is. :-)

But I am making progress. I'm showing a facility with "the literature" that I had given up for dead this time last week. I heard back from my chair on my outline and he's given me the go-ahead to write accordingly (thank God!). I'm registered for class and have even managed to pound out a few hundred more words and a couple of pages. My mom is even beginning to think that I'm going to finish!

Switching gears slightly, I'm struck by how fucked up it is that my breaking the 100KB barrier is the most exciting news I can come up with when so much else is going on in my life. Believe it or not, Mr. Boring (soon that will be Dr. Boring, thank you very much!) and partner made an offer on a house yesterday. Yep. And tomorrow, we're leaving the country. Seriously. Granted, driving up to Montréal for a long weekend hardly compares to two years in the Peace Corps in Botswana, but I've never been to Montreal, so it's kind of a big deal to me.

There's no doubt that I should share a little more non-dissertation news here. The problem is the only thing that seems to matter to me right now is my dissertation. I'm not sure if that's fucked up or if just the way it has to be, but I'm like the walking dead right now, and will probably be this way until I'm done.

And yes, I plan on writing all the way to and from Montréal. Mais, naturellement!

Ciao.

2001-08-28T12:15:00.000-04:00

A NONDESCRIPT PROGRESS REPORT

Main section page count: 33
Overall word count: 5841

I'm forging ahead, word by word. Actually, my progress really can't be measure by the words I've written, since most of what I am doing is researching the literature. It's a lot of fun, but very time consuming.

I finally broke down and bought the APA Fifth Edition style guide. What a stimulating read that is! I also managed to get my books checked out for another semester, so I should be good to go. Now if I could only write.

I guess this is all part of "the process" that I'm supposed to be enjoying. I don't mind being one with the process so long as I'm writing. To be honest, I'd like to do a little better than 100 words per day, but as I've said before, even that little means that each day I'm 100 words closer to being done.

I wonder if this dissertation business will ever end. Today, for some reason, I really don't care.

Ciao.

2001-08-27T08:58:00.000-04:00

BLAH, BLAH, BLOG

Main section page count: 32
Overall word count: 5775

I'm not much in a blogging mood, but I thought I'd at least post my progress. The page count is artificially high because I've started all five chapters on their own pages and have input headings and introductory paragraphs (filler, mostly) for each of the chapter subsections. Still, I think I made some real progress.

I'm planning to sneak away to the library later this morning to copy a few journal articles and maybe even check out a book or two, and I've got a fun evening of writing planned for tonight. It's a non-stop party when you're hanging with Mark!

This is going to be a stressful week. OBO and I are taking a couple of days off to go on a brief vacation, so we're trying to pack and otherwise get ready at the same time I'm trying to pound enough pages to start shipping chapters to my committee members. I suspect work will be as hectic as it was last week, and the usual domestic responsibilities have just been piling up. Add to all of that the fact that, like an idiot, I dropped my Zip drive and have apparently broken it, and that OBO and I appear to have found a house that we want to buy, and actually have a chance at buying it, and you can guess what kind of mood I'm in right now.

I'm just going to try to keep it from all getting to me. Wish me luck, because I'm going to need it.

Ciao.

2001-08-25T18:39:00.000-04:00

A DIFFERENT KIND OF MOTIVATION

Main section page count: 18
Overall word count: 4435

I've made some progress and well I should: I've just learned that failing to defend my dissertation by the end of the year could set me back just a little less than $1900. One could say that the lackadaisical approach I adopted a few days back has been replaced by a much more pragmatic one.

Some explanation: The University of Utah has a requirement that graduate students be enrolled for at least 3 credit hours when they defend their dissertations. Believe it or not, it's actually a policy that I helped to craft (long story), so I can't be too upset about it. They also have a limitation on the number of "continuing registrations" grad students can use, and unbeknownst to me, yours truly used his last one in the spring. So, I now have to register for a minimum of 3 credit hours. No big deal, since I have to do this anyway if I intend to defend this year. But I at least had the option of registering for them when I was sure that I was going to defend. As it turns out, I have to register for them and if I don't defend this fall, then I have to register for them again in the spring and every subsequent semester that it takes for me to finish up.

Now that I am a resident of the Commonwealth of Virginia, I no longer qualify for resident tuition. Utah really sticks it to nonresident students (another policy I helped craft) and has been aggressively raising the tuition graduate students pay (yep...yet another policy I helped craft), so I can hardly be surprised that it costs so much for even three hours.

To be honest, I'm actually kind of glad. It obvious that I need more motivation than my guilt and inspiration provide. The thought of paying $1900 more than I need to seems pretty damned motivating if you ask me.

Gotta go...the meter's running. :-)

Ciao.

2001-08-24T11:14:00.000-04:00

EVEN WORSE!

Main section page count: 13
Overall word count: 3900

And the cutting continues. Can you believe it!

Actually, I just deleted a bit of template-related stuff that I really didn't need. The only reason that I'm posting is to note the counts: the unlucky 13 pages, and the multiple of unlucky 13, 3900 words. Not that these thing mean anything mind you. I just like the symmetry and the symbolism.

I'm kind of weird that way.

Ciao.

2001-08-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

BACK TO BASICS

Main section page count: 13
Overall word count: 3930

No, the above are not typos. What progress I can report having made on my dissertation can be summed up as slashing out 15 pages of crap grandfathered into my dissertation via my original proposal, literally written two years ago. I didn't want it to come to this, but I finally realized that it would be easier to start from scratch than it would be to revise.

I hate to have it come to this, but after all this writing, my dissertation is only 13 pages long. To say otherwise would be to lie.

Now, let's see some real progress, okay?

Ciao.

2001-08-22T21:47:00.000-04:00

PAVLOV'S CAT

Main section page count: 29
Overall word count: 8051

I guess I started writing again. Believe me, I resisted the urge, gave myself all sorts of excuse why not to, and generally discouraged the urge to write. Not that my negative approach to writing helped all that much. Still, I didn't write a lot, so I can't hate myself too much.

Without a doubt, I wil reverse my position on this matter as many times as I inhale between now and the time I finish this fucking nightmare, but I think the best way to write is not to expect to write. So, I've lowered my expectations to nothing: "I fully expect to be writing this time next year." "I see no reason not to buy a house and move right now."

Hey, it got me one page and nearly 300 words closer to being done.

Good night.

2001-08-22T09:28:00.000-04:00

WRITER'S ENNUI

Counts have not changed

Boy! I'm just not in the mood to write! Finding no sense in beating a dead horse, I've just given up for the past couple of days. I'm going to give it another go tonight, but don't hold your breath.

My efforts to organize the literature went well. I found a lot of stuff that will make writing a lot easier...once I start writing again, that is.

Maybe it's just that I want to enjoy these final few days of summer before school starts (which, in Utah at least, is today). Maybe I'm just in a funk. Whatever it is, I'm not writing.

On a completely unrelated note, OBO, Son and I looked at a house last night that I think we're going to make an offer on. Of course, if we do, and if it's accepted, then that means we'll be moving, which means that we'll also have to sell our current house, which means we'll be spending a lot of time getting it ready. I should be resisting this, but I'm having a hard time finding a good reason to. Perhaps I won't be finishing my dissertation this year after all.

And I'm really having a hard time being the least bit bothered by that.

Ciao.

2001-08-20T18:46:00.000-04:00

BACK TO BASICS

Counts have not changed

No apologies here. In fact, I have next-to-no intention of writing tonight, either. In my rush to add a couple hundred words here and there, I've completely neglected to organize my files, or, for that matter, my thoughts. An profound understanding of "the literature," as we academics so fondly refer to the journal articles, book chapters and anything else expressed in a respectable forum on a particular subject, is very important when writing, yet, I have completely neglected it. I was on top of it two years ago. Fortunately, very little has been written on my topic since then. Unfortunately, I forgotten most of what I knew two years ago.

It finally occurred to me yesterday afternoon that my writer's block was just an unwillingness to say anything that I wasn't completely sure of, and that I wasn't really sure of anything except for my findings. Since one of the biggest parts of writing a dissertation is creating a conceptual framework from the literature, I was pretty much stuck.

So, tonight will be spent organizing. That's all. "The literature," at least that which I have copies of, fills two banker's boxes. Nothing in those boxes was particularly well-organized -- or better put, what organization there was did more harm than good. I was spending more time looking for things than I was writing about them.

My fear is that I'm just putting off writing by doing something that I quite enjoy doing, namely, organizing. That may be so, but I'd rather do something that I enjoy than do something that's doomed to fail. And I figure that until I know what I writing about, my writing efforts are just that: doomed to fail.

Ciao.

2001-08-19T16:16:00.000-04:00

AN EXCUSABLE ABSENCE

Main section page count: 28
Overall word count: 7758

As the dissertation counts and the gap between this post and my last post might indicate, I've been taking something of a break from writing -- blog, disseration or otherwise. Let's just say that I got a little burned out and needed some time off.

I'm beginning to revise my entire approach to writing. It's less about counts (although I will continue to post them) and more about process. A two-day break really shouldn't matter since it's all part of the to process.

School starts this week, both here in Richmond and back in Utah. It's the first week of Fall Semester of the year that I plan to earn my doctorate. Pretty exciting stuff. I wish I were back on campus in Utah so that I could soak up that energy and somehow funnel it into my writing efforts, but I'm figuring out ways of doing just that here in Richmond. Just last night, OBO and I went to a party for two new faculty members at VCU, and I made a lot of nice new friends and professional contacts, and have agreed to take part in a GLBT group at VCU. It felt nice to be among academic types and to feel like I was part of a community again, and I got a lot of helpful advice on finishing my dissertation up.

On a totally unrelated note, I have my first documented blog reader! While I'm delighted to know that someone stopped by, and even more delighted at the prospect of corresponding with him, it actually reminded me that I really never intended for anyone else to read this blog...hence the rather boring subject. :-) While it's really nice that the one person who I know has read my blog actually does find me kind of interesting, I trust that he does so because of my (hopefully) unpretensious writing and candor. It sure isn't because of my great sense of style, compelling choice of topics, and witty repartee!

Anyway, Tin Man, you made my day.

Ciao.

2001-08-16T19:53:00.000-04:00

THE RECORD SKIPS

Main section page count: 27
Overall word count: 7556

Gillian, Lucinda and I are back at it. Slow going, but a lot more relaxed than last night.

Word up, all ye writers of dissertation-like efforts!! Set lofty goals, but don't be devastated when you don't meet them.

Maybe I should try to get a talk show?

Ciao.

2001-08-15T20:29:00.000-04:00

ALL SEMIPRODUCTIVE ON THE EASTERN FRONT

Main section page count: 26
Overall word count: 7397

Gillian ruled. I wasn't as impressed by Alison's latest as I was with her last album, but give me time. Lucinda instantly makes my heart melt, but as akafrankgreen points out, this disc is "surprising amazing" and possesses a "mellow groove...and sensuous sounds." Hey, akafrankgreen, if I could get her to sing at my graduation, would you come?

Best I get back to worrying about how I'm going to graduate.

Ciao.

2001-08-15T18:25:00.000-04:00

ARMED AND DANGEROUS

Counts have not changed

In the hour since I got off work, I've been to the liquor store, the dry cleaners, and the CD store. I bought fixins for one of my favorite cocktails (the Ballet Russe), which I am enjoying now, and the latest releases by Gillian Welch, Lucinda Williams, Alison Krauss and k.d. lang. Gillian Welch is strumming her jangly guitar as I write.

And write is what I intend to do. It's just me and the computer and four muses and two cats who might find themselves outside if they bother me too much.

Counts are about to change...

Ciao.

2001-08-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

ONE DOWN, FOUR TO GO

Main section page count: 26
Overall word count: 7195

My first full draft of Chapter 1 is done. I'm not thrilled with it, but I can at least put it aside for a while and come back to it this weekend. I'm just hoping that it really is one of the hardest of the five chapters to write, because I don't think I'm going be able to stand writing at this slow pace much longer.

Tonight, OBO and I were supposed to go with Son and a bunch of other people (including OBO's ex-wife, with whom I get along very well) to see Shawn Colvin in concert, but I think I'm going to have to pass. OBO and I just saw her two weeks ago, so it's not like it's a big deal. It's just that I really need to keep writing and, with OBO and Son out of the house tonight, it would be a perfect time to do so. I also feel like I need to start making a few sacrifices of this nature in order to prove to myself and to others that I'm really serious about finishing up.

I know it sounds kind of strange to say that I need to make sacrifices to convince myself of how much this means to me, but come tonight, when all of the others are off listening to a concert by one of my favorite artists, I'd better be convinced that it matters, or I'm going to be pissed for missing what will no doubt be a great concert.

On a totally unrelated note, this blog was actually linked somewhere else! True, Tin Man's link was in response to a comment I dropped him, but it still feels kinda nice to think that he thought enough of the comment to mention it in his next post.

And it feels kind of exciting/scary/humbling to think that someone might stop by this place. Does this mean that I actually have to make this site interesting? :-)

Ciao.

2001-08-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

PLODDING (PLODDING)

Main section page count: 25
Overall word count: 6869

It is becoming obvious to me that my dissertation is going to be written in 200 word increments. I don't know why that is, but I've decided to be bemused rather than frustrated by that. If the average dissertation weighs in at around 60 thousand words, then I guess I'm just going to need a year to write it.

That may sound rather defeatist, but if that's what it takes, then shouldn't I just quit whining and do it? Granted, that will take a hell of a toll on my life, but frankly, so is pushing myself to finish it this month. The fact that I thought I ever could finish even a half-assed draft of it by the end of the month was nothing short of absurd!

I'm actually writing my dissertation. I'm going to finish -- that is, if I don't cause myself to give up by setting expectations of myself that are simply unattainable.

Good night.

2001-08-14T08:57:00.000-04:00

THE THINGS WE DO FOR DEGREES

Counts have not changed

Believe it or not, another (relatively) dissertation-free post. Of course, that has nothing to do with the fact that I don't have any real progress to report. :-)

Yesterday, I stopped off at the library after work and picked up an armful of books and went home to work on my dissertation. OBO was home watching "The Broken Hearts Club" and wanted me to watch it with him. Of course, I passed and went down into the basement to write. I worked for about 45 minutes and came upstairs to make dinner. We had a nice dinner, but I was pretty upset at OBO for not helping me more, and I was kind of irritated that he had rented a movie. Not that I minded that he wanted to watch a movie...I just felt guilty that I couldn't watch it with him, and that he didn't understand what I was doing well enough to know that I really couldn't watch it with him. Pretty petty, I know, but that's how I felt.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we talked about my frustrations as well as a few of his. I got nothing done on my dissertation, but I think it cleared the air between us. OBO is really an incredible guy, and I've really put him through the wringer these past two-and-a-half years. He's not perfect, but he's really trying and I'm pretty tough to live with right now.

This dissertation thing is making me absolutely nutty. The fact that I've dedicated an entire blog to it should be pretty telling, but last night I realized just how much I am shaping the rest of my life around it. Even my attitude about my current job.

I'm beginning to wonder what life is going to be like once I'm done with it. Pretty wonderful as best as I can tell! :-)

Ciao.

2001-08-13T15:38:00.000-04:00

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!

A blog entry that has nothing to do with...well, you know what.

(BTW: Since I am the only reader of this blog, I'd characterize the aforementioned demand as being nothing short of universal.)

Nothing particularly earth-shattering has happened today, but I'd like to note for posterity's sake that today, August 13, 2001, marks the day that I first noticed that I was becoming one with my job.

Mind you, this is not necessarily a good thing, so I'd also like to note for posterity's sake that I am fully aware of the risks of allowing this to happen, and that I am very cautiously moving forward and allowing it to happen.

My last two jobs have ended up being nightmares, and while I can't entirely blame them for dragging out a certain academic project that I've promised not to mention, I would add that I've done more on the aforementioned project since leaving my last job than I'd done in the previous two years.

Why today? Well, I found myself fully engaged in a particular discussion at a meeting earlier today. I'm afraid that's the first time that's happened since starting here nearly 7 months ago. And as a result, I also found myself committing to doing some work that could raise my profile rather profoundly. In fact, I might be able to make a huge difference at the university where I work. Just like I did at the last university where I worked. That experience nearly killed me, but I think I know enough not to let that happen this time.

So there you go! An entry about something other than you-know-what.

Ciao.

2001-08-13T08:24:00.000-04:00

WEEKEND UPDATE

Main page section count: 24
Overall word count: 6552

I'm not sure whether I should be thrilled or horrified by this weekend's progress. I definitely wrote, but only at a rate of about 100 words per minute. Yuck.

Writing is hell.

I'm almost through with Chapter 1, which is good news. I really thought I'd be working on Chapter 4 by now, but I really can't complain. Just a month ago, I was slogging through model after model and pretty much getting nowhere. Two weeks ago today, I was in limbo. In fact, I haven't even been writing for two full weeks.

As with so many things in my life, it's time to revise my expectations of what I'm capable of. Pounding out a full draft of my dissertation in less than a month sounds cool, but it just isn't possible, not while I'm working full-time and tending to the other responsibilities in my life.

That said, the month isn't quite half over. Amazing things could be in store.

Ciao.

2001-08-10T23:18:00.000-04:00

LIFTOFF

Main page section count: 21
Overall word count: 5916

Not a huge increase, but definitely a groove. Perhaps you had to be there.

I finally cut through the last of the crap with which I had populated Chapter 1. I'm not rationalizing -- believe me! -- but it is hard to take word counts seriously when the old ones are based on stuff I can't use in my dissertation.

(Okay, so I did stick that shit in my dissertation in the first place. My bad.)

I also hooked into KPIG via iTunes, and I rocked. I am reminded of the need for a good soundtrack for every good drama. Skip John Williams and even Danny Elfman. Bodhisattva, won't you take me by the hand?

Good night.

2001-08-10T20:46:00.000-04:00

THE DOG CAN HUNT!

Main section page count: 20
Overall word count: 5556

Today's headline comes from a response from one of my committee members to my outline -- one of my toughest committee members, I might add. He had a number of good comments, but the most important (at least in my opinion) was this: I have read your outline and am very pleased. You are well down the road. To speak like a Southerner, this dog can hunt.

Despite the added spring that has added to my step, I'm not particularly inspired. I'm having a hard time writing to my outline, which is strange, since I wrote it less than a week ago. I chalk it up to problems with writing in general. I'm way too self-conscious and find myself removing as much of what I've written the day before as I do added new words. Check out my word counts if you don't believe me.

Part of the problem is my own quirky need to write on a deadline, and part of the problem is that this is easily the toughest thing that I will ever write and the one piece of writing on which more of my past and more of my future hangs than any other. If you're experiencing a spontanous choking reaction, you know how I feel.

I will be hitting some deadlines pretty soon (Chair gets back 8 days from now, and I've pretty much promised him the first three chapters), and I'll lighten up a bit, or so I hope. A stiff cocktail, unfortunately, does wonders, and I'm planning to experiment with some early morning writing. When I was taking classes oh-so-many-eons ago, I found that strategy particularly effective. Workouts will probably suffer, but I think the outcomes are worth such a sacrifice...assuming there are outcomes, that is.

Perhaps I just love the process to much to do what I have to do to end it.

Nah!!

Now, it's time to see if I can't do a little better than 64 more words than yesterday.

Ciao.

2001-08-09T22:09:00.000-04:00

SIZE DOESN'T MATTER...DOES IT?

Main section page count: 20
Overall word count: 5492

This (perhaps) unhealthy focus on counts has me wondering if I might be setting myself up for some unintended consequences -- some good, some bad. For instance, tonight, after spending hours sorting through "the literature," before spending less than an hour actually writing, which I might add, I insisted on doing just for the counts, I spent more time worrying about replacing the words I deleted than I did about actually saying what I wanted to say. I only netted 84 additional words, but I think the quality of what I've written so far improved greatly. I only did it so that I could report new counts, yet it improved on what I had already done, yet, I was really only concerned about the numbers.

Careful the measures you choose. Just so long as it is getting better andlonger.

The only thing that really matters is that I'm writing.

Good night.

The point I'm trying to make

2001-08-09T13:17:00.000-04:00

COOKED SEWAGE

Counts have not changed significantly

Writing has again been derailed. In what appears to be emerging as my tradition, I have once again gotten the cart before the horse. The horse in this case is what is known as a lit review, something I have literally not done since the last (or, if you're a purist, second-to-last) November of the last millenium.

Okay, so it has only been 20 months, still, that's too long to go without looking at what else has been written about the subject I plan to write about. Page and word counts continue to matter, but I'm going to continue to be stuck if I don't take at least a couple of days to reimmerse myself in theory and jargon.

Add to that the fact that the entire East Coast has been suffering from a hellish heat wave and our sewer backed up, and you can bet that my mind has been occupied with matters other than writing. Ever wonder what raw sewage smells like in 100-degree, 50%+ humidity weather?

Excuses, excuses.

Ciao.

2001-08-07T21:44:00.000-04:00

LIKE A VAGABOND IN THE DISTANCE

Main section page count: 19 (somehow, page counts got screwed up before)
Overall word count: 5408 (okay, so I deleted a bunch of stuff, too!)

I'm writing again.

Good night.

2001-08-07T09:50:00.000-04:00

A.W.O.L.

Counts have not changed

Okay, okay...I've been a bad boy, I know. Truth is, one just can't hereby declare that one will write a dissertation. It takes at least a little inspiration, and folks, I ain't inspired.

I did pound out a very nifty 3534-word, 8-page outline. I might add that my outline is about 2/3s as long as my dissertation is at this point, so it's not like I haven't been productive. I even sent it off to my committee for their comments. Truth is, I feel really good about what I've done, and didn't feel at all bad about taking a night off last night.

I'll start writing again in earnest tonight. Counts will change tomorrow, I promise.

Ciao.

2001-08-04T18:17:00.000-04:00

OUTLINE OBSESSION

Counts have not changed...but see below

Maybe I'm just stalling, but decided to spend more time on my outline than I had previously planned, and have spent most of the day adding to each entry in my outline a few key points that I intend to make. The result? Nearly 1800 very pithy but well-organized words. I'm not done yet, but I'm planning to finish by the weekend and distribute it to my committee members on Monday. I figure they might as well see where I'm intending to go with this thing as soon as possible. If they have any serious reservations or helpful suggestions, I'd rather have them now than when I'm done with the whole thing.

Even though one could argue that I'm not really doing any work on my dissertation itself, this feels very productive and it's actually quite fun. By the end of the weekend, I'm going to have a "mini-dissertation" that I can share with people and that I can refer to as I write the whole thing up. Not bad for a weekend's work!

Ciao.

2001-08-04T09:01:00.000-04:00

A BRIEF RETREAT, OF SORTS

Counts have not changed

It occurred to me that writing my dissertation without an outline was like driving from Richmond to Anchorage without a road map. Why these things occur to me in the middle of the night three days after I've started a project is beyond me, but thank God I didn't have to wait a couple more weeks for this "bolt out of the blue."

So, I got up at the crack of dawn and have been working on such an outline, and I have to say, I'm quite pleased with what I've done. I'll work on it for a few more hours and then get back to writing on the dissertation itself. I suspect my efforts will be a lot easier once I've got a good outline to work from.

I didn't do much last night. I think I needed some time to process my rejection. I also did a bit of reading, something I'm going to need to do a lot of. Mostly, I just spent time with OBO and Son. Later today, Son is leaving on vactation with his mother for a week, so I gave myself full permission to spend some time with him before he left.

Now, back to that outline.

Ciao.

2001-08-03T19:17:00.000-04:00

OOF!!

Counts have not changed.

I suppose that if I'm going to play this game called academic life, then I'd better get used to academia's version of being sacked.

I got my first rejection letter today.

It was for a very reputable conference to be held in Richmond this fall. I put my proposal together at the very last minute, but thought I'd done a pretty good job.

My three reviewers thought differently: One outright rejected my proposal, one waffled between "reject" and "accept with reservations, if space permits," and the final kind soul gave me the latter of the two. If this had been a college exercise, I would have gotten a 1.5 GPA.

Admittedly, I was given fairly high marks for significance and orginality and anticipated appeal. In retrospect, it is now obvious to me that the problem with my proposal is that my research wasn't advanced enough for me to discuss my results or even my methodology. Not surprisingly, I got severely dinged on the rigor and accuracy of data analysis, and the reasonableness of my conclusions.

Some of the written comments were pretty harsh, but one of the comments of reviewer number 070 really sticks in my craw: The proposal apparently was never proofread and is cobbled together (or extracted) from a larger research effort, somewhat carelessly.

I've skimmed over my proposal, and, while I can say that it has its problems, I find that just a bit too harsh. I think 070 new quite well that he (or she) was reading something extracted from a dissertation proposal and just decided to hack it to bits. Unfortunately, 070 was the kind soul who gave me the "if space permits." Ugh.

While I am feeling a bit deflated, I'm actually not too upset. First, preparing for this conference would have been counterproductive to my dissertation work, so I'm actually a bit relieved that I won't have it as a distraction. Second, I learned a great deal from the exercise. Third, I think I need a bit of deflation. While I'm generally loathe to admit it, I have quite an ego when it comes to my academic prowess. I need to be reminded that something "cobbled together (or extracted) from a larger research effort, somewhat carelessly" -- at the very last minute, no less -- isn't going to knock the socks off of reviewers whose job it is to deflate people like me.

Plus, I need to thicken my skin if I'm going to endure the barbs and arrows of the five skeptical men I am about to face.

Now, it's time to cobble...err...write.

Ciao.